North West

Welcome to the bright lights of East Manchester, otherwise known as Staleh Vegas by the locals. This is due to the unusual initiative shown by the local council whereby any new commercial premises must be licensed by law.

The laughable attempts to introduce a ‘cafe’ society extend as far as opening up the Huddersfield canal so that the local **** populus can see their flotsum floating past as well as stationary where they have chucked it. Other entertainment for the neanderthals includes attempting to throw your empty bottle of wick-head over your shoulder with such accuracy that it lands in the said canal.

Recently witnessed in a local bar which shall remain nameless, other than the fact that it is named after the chemical symbol for water (the picturesque River Tame flows close by – geddit?) was a concoction of Baileys, Banana Cocktail and whipped cream – buy one get one free or better still, buy none get none free.

Local shopping highlights include Home Bargains where qualiteh is available at low prices and the conspicuous lack of an Allsports or any other **** kit shop is made up for by the prescence of Greggs and A.N.Other bakers next door but one to each other.

The town has never really survived the arrival of Tesco which dominates everything retail, the combination of shopping trolleys and a local canal really is too tempting for the you-know-whos. Surely there’s an opportunity here for a local regatta/water fight with nearby towns.

SV also boasts the pub with the shortest name which starts and ends with a Q (check the Guinness book if you don’t believe me) and what remains of the shopping precinct including a former nightclub of dubious repute which must be responsible for seeding more than a few Kylies and Shanes.

This really is urban planning at its worst extending as far as the former trad cinema being turned into a tacky nightclub where the opening night featured Abi Titmuss as guest barmaid – enough said…

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020