Sidcup, The Apocalypse is Coming

South East

Thanks to the power of the property ladder, I managed to get out of this hell hole a couple of years ago…but the scars are still visible in my troubled mind. Not only did I spend the majority of my life here, but I still have to go through it on my way home EVERYDAY IT HAUNTS ME!!!!
Sidcup, proudly boasts, not one, but TWO main roads (that’s DOUBLE Orpington) but somehow manages to ruin this opportunity by covering the entirety of one with charity shops. Believe me, I have nothing against these little havens of brick n brack, but when there are more charity shops than actual people it is clear that the quality is going to snag. Considering the failing economy caused by this charity currency, it makes sense that a huge Safeways has been built behind the High Street….empty of all human life form. The CD and DVD section is right next to its cafe, which does seem to provide an excellent meeting place for the younger trainee townie. Whereas the older ****, who is allowed on public transport by the doting mother who hasn’t noticed what shitbag their darling has turned into, has found their haven in the form of the 269 bus. This bus directly links two capitals of chavdom….Bexleyheath (twitch) and Bromley (shudder). These Pillars of Pikeyhood have managed to ensure that the young, happy ***** family (mum, Chloe 15, dad, Stevie 19) gets transferred to Sidcup for the convenience of this demon bus. The bus is of course where all the new experiences are shared between the numerous “crews”, on many occasions, one can witness the impossible, a gang of 10,20, a THOUSAND share just the ONE joint.
At night though, that is when life turns sour in Sidcup the sleepy town of nothing turns into the Devil’s Playground. The wasteland behind the children’s “playground” is a useful place for shagging and illicit drug use….but the extra large pavement by McDonalds (part of the 5 food groups, McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut and Threshers) is a more desireable location because it offers ultimate exposure, AND, if they’re REALLY lucky get arrested by the police!
Luckily for the ******, all the main services are situated conveniently around the high street; the Police are across the road from McDonalds(the status involved with getting arrested is completely unfathomable to a normal person like myself), the hospital is further up the road behind McDonalds (useful for quick travel for pregnant teens from home-from-home to delivery), and the Fire Station is further along the same straight road as the high street (useful, because there is so much alcohol in their bloodstream that it is a rare occurence if they manage to light their *** without bursting into flames).
As an ex-Sidcupian, I feel increasingly more desparate for my former town as each day goes by. The people of Sidcup left a woman unconcious from being attacked in the road for hours while they carried on with their daily lives. A 15 year old ****** a man using a CROSSBOW (why o why did he have one of them!). And. The worst of them all. Sidcup is the home of the infamous Coca-Cola water spring “Dasini”. (i quite liked Sidcup tap water – one of the only things it has going for it). I hear stories of 12 year olds attacking cars outside MY primary school’s church with someone’s house’s “FOR SALE” sign! Some poor bugger tries to escape the dump and look what they do!!!! What is even worse, the most distressing thing of it all, is that I saw someone from my old year at school walking down the road proudly, in a chicago bull’s jacket!!!!!!! HOW am I meant to deal with the ABOMINATION!!! Even my old friends are being doctrinated by this terrible townie trend…..I don’t know if I can take it anymore. It must be stopped. I don’t know how….BUT IT MUST BE!!!! Even the media, are celebrating the fact that 2004 was the Year of the ****…..the fact that there is a website dedicated to this shows just how much they have got under our skin. Britain’s flag might as well be in Burberry. And on that note, I must leave and finish taking these heavy sedatives to calm my nervous twitches caused by Kiss FM. Thank you and good night.

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