Sholver, Oldham’s ****

Living in Sholver, Oldham
Living in Sholver, Oldham

Sholver, Oldham’s ****

Greater ManchesterNorth WestPic Via

Sholver, one windswept winter’s night I found myself alone, cold and afraid on the streets of this **** smeared overspill. As the wind howled and the icy rain cut into me like one of the many discarded hypodermic needles scattered here and there, I heard a distant voice calling to me.

At first I mistook it for the unforgiving northerly winds whistling through the boarded up windows of one of the many abandoned blocks of flats. Then in the distance a woman with a face like Popeyes old nemesis, The Sea Hag approached. ‘Ya al riiight?’, it said. Trying my very best to look like I had just finished my A, Levels and was university bound, I replied, ‘Yes thank you’. I looked away, as though I was waiting for a preordered taxi. ‘Ya want ya ???? suckin? Al suck it reet good un ya don’t need tu use a Johnny.’ I froze, how the devil would I reply to such a proposition?

I turned back to face this foul smelling hobgoblin of a woman. ‘I’m ok thanks’, I replied. ‘*** on don’t be a ******* poof! Fiver an yu can [perform an act we can’t mention here]’ As I took a closer look at this nightmarish vision, I noticed the many scabs around her toothless mouth, a cigarette burned down to the filter wedged firmly into the corner of her lips. Thinking fast I scrambled for an excuse.

My mind awash with so many insults that I could have thrown her way, but then it happened. ‘Well, you were right the first time.’ ‘Ya wot?’ It replied. ‘I am gay.’ Pleased with my rouse, I expected her to fade back into the night’s air. ‘So, du ya fancy [performing another ‘brown’ act we can’t mention] then? Twenty quid, thirty wiv owt a Johnny.’ My heart raced. Now what? This vision from the pits of hell would not take no or even **** off for an answer!

Then in the distance my salvation approached. The headlights of a taxi drew close. I held out my hand to flag it down. As it stopped l wrenched open the passengers door and was confronted by what I think was a woman. She sat in the drivers seat, an underbite like Trap Jaw from the 1980s cartoon, He-Man and the sloping brow of a Victorian freak show’s main attraction. I dived in and slammed the door shut. ‘Just drive’ I said. As the missing link put her foot down on the accelerator, half a house brick bounced off of the car’s back window! I turned to see the twisted wretch that offered me the hospitality of her mouth and **** re-arming herself with another brick to throw!

That night I knew that heaven must exist, as I had already been to hell!


Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020






  1. Sholver, think of it as a giant category C prison built on a hill side

    Sholver, think of it as a giant category C prison built on a hill side

  2. Harpurhey – You don’t have to smoke spice to live here,  but it helps

    Harpurhey – You don’t have to smoke spice to live here, but it helps

  3. Shaw, trapped between Oldham & Rochdale like a fart between bum cheeks

    Shaw, trapped between Oldham & Rochdale like a fart between bum cheeks

  4. Shaw: The Place That Joy Forgot

    Shaw: The Place That Joy Forgot

  5. Ashton under lyne, into the mouth of madness and straight out of the other end

    Ashton under lyne, into the mouth of madness and straight out of the other end

  6. Middleton: some say Rochdale, some say Oldham, no matter it’s still a hole

    Middleton: some say Rochdale, some say Oldham, no matter it’s still a hole

  7. Rochdale – Welcome to the cesspit of the universe

    Rochdale – Welcome to the cesspit of the universe

  8. Heywood: it has nothing to offer anyone who is normal and decent

    Heywood: it has nothing to offer anyone who is normal and decent

  9. Shaw, as annoying as an improperly wiped backside

    Shaw, as annoying as an improperly wiped backside