Rugby, Warwickshire

Home to a prestigious public school and a couple of very good grammars, the locals of this unbelievably narrow minded little market town feel the need to rebalance the gene pool by spawning gap toothed wingnut eared cheap blinging gold festooned rat boys, and kappa ******** who give birth so soon after they are born themselves that Rugby females are viewed by many as being biologically similar to Russian dolls. When I was growing up there, I remember one day somebody super glued broken glass to the kiddies slide in my local playground. The ‘Clock Towers’ shopping centre has the obligatory Wilcos, Poundstretcher and Kwik Save within spitting distance of each other, and believe me Rugby ***** can spit a long way and with great accuracy. The final **** in the water pipe for me is that Rugby boasts Carl Chadwick, the holder of the world zit squeezing record – seven feet, one inch if you’re wondering.

A fitting contender for **** town of the year. Go see it, it’s an experience.

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