Padiham: the skid mark of Lancashire

Living in Padiham, Lancashire

Padiham, the town that inspired the film makers, when making the hills have eyes.  It’s a passing place (as I like to call it), because believe me, it’s not worth fekin stopping for anything unless you want impregnating.  As you come off the motorway, you drive down a big long hill.  Turning right at the lights, you will drive up and then be greeted with a graveyard which is a reminder of where you will end up because you will die of boredom.

The people there are creepy looking, mostly unemployed and you will be greeted with them all allegedly in the Starkie Arms, which you have to drive past before hitting the town centre of Padiham.  All the old folk will tell you stories of how Padiham used to be a rich and prosperous town thriving like Stalybridge on cotton mills. And like Stalybridge it all went **** up.

It’s like one day you woke up and you thought, “f*ck it, I don’t want to work no more”, well the whole town did this, now leaving it full of damp rotting properties that sell for a maximum of £40,000.  A drug dealers delight in my eyes.  The town got even sh*tter when they thought it would be clever to build a big massive Tesco to suck the life out of all the small businesses that was already struggling being on the border of Burnley.  You can see how the Cancer has spread.

How grim is your Postcode?

I remember one lad picking a fight with me after a few beers.  I couldn’t take him seriously due to the accent.  It was like talking to a posh git from the 40s. He was scrawny, wearing crosshatch jeans and a Ben Sherman watch.  The women are a true delight.  Half of their teeth missing and wear pyjamas or Adidas tracksuit with a hoodie, which they never give back to the ex baby daddy.

In a nutshell there is just nothing there that’s worth taking a day trip with the family. Everybody looks absolutely miserable.  It’s like the end of the world happened and like cockroaches, they lived through the Holocaust.  I always thought Rockstar would have made a game about Padiham.  They could base it as a spin-off from Resident Evil.  The only thing that is good about Padiham is gawthup hall as it has got nice big woods where you could go to get rid of the images you have stored in your head.