Lowestoft: the land of gormless men & severely pale and overweight single mothers

Living in Lowestoft, Suffolk

So, unbeknownst to me, the UK has a group of possible contenders for the scenario witnessed in Battle Royale. This group of people are known as Lowestoftians. I’m pretty sure if we stuck them all on the Isle of White and told them to off each other, they would walk straight into the sea and drown. If they should manage to even start killing each other [in a fictional scenario] we should probably just off the last one standing anyway, as I don’t see any good coming from mixing Lowestoftian back into the human genepool.

During my short stay in the cesspool of gormless men and severely pale and overweight single mothers called Lowestoft, I witnessed several things that seemed like they were taken straight out of the horror movie Eden Lake. One of them being a fat acne-covered excuse for a human female with half her zitty *** ******* out of her cheap ****** ASDA jeans walking down the high street while scratching her exposed buttock. It all reminded me all too well of my visit to Whipsnade Zoo.

I also had the distinct pleasure of witnessing the exotic bodyart on display throughout this sh*thole of epic proportions. One of them being a f*cking tool bragging about how drunk he was the night before whilst sporting a very well done “Sober” tattoo on his neck. I don’t understand why anything with functioning eyes would ever procreate with such a monstrosity.Then again, I feel that way about most people in Lowestoft until I see their partners. If you are into viewing what a typical Lowestoftian family looks like you can sit at McDonalds and drink a coffee whilst viewing the typical family dinner.

How grim is your Postcode?

I couldn’t even believe they had a coffee shop seeing as no one in Lowestoft knows how to pronounce Caffe Latte without it sounding like some awful venerial disease. I’m pretty sure that by the time I have the misfortune of going back to that godforsaken sewer that coffee shop will be replaced by some kind of pound-store ( that’s quid-store for you Lowestoftians).

It seems a Lowestoftians idea of entertainment is to watch The only way is Essex or mindlessly spending all their government issued money at the arcade. Also, the pubs are a f*cking disgrace, I’ve been to Turkey which pretty much a 3rd world country and seen better pubs than in this excuse for a garbage tip. I want to have my drink without having to listen to teenagers rambling on in their native language whilst abusing a pool table.

I can’t imagine a better place to start a medical research facility seeing as no one has jobs and everyone is about as ******* intelligent as a chimp.

The best thing about Lowestoft is the road to London.