Welcome to Hertford, County Town of Hertfordshire. It has its own website: http://www.hertford.net/, and our motto is “Pride in our Past, Faith in our Future.” Immediately, I can spot two things wrong with that motto, and both mistakes lie in the town’s thriving culture of ‘*****’.

How to Spot a Hertford ****: Wears McKenzie/Nickelson/other tracksuit uniform. Burberry caps (usually about £12 on the market), brand-new, ultra-cheap Nike trainers, and those brand new jackets that look as if the collar is actually a dead weasel (+assorted hoodies). And all that rubbish plastic jewellery and “gold chains. Usually spotted toting his/her/its brand new phone (soon to get nicked).

How To Spot A Hertford **** Gang (ages 13-16): Usually walk around in “blood clots” of around 10 mixed ***. In the nuclei of every **** Gang is the core *****: the ” ‘ard kids” and ” ****** nut’ers”. Around the edge of the nucleus are the electrons: the lackeys, the wannabe hip-hop-drug dealer kids. Mixed round the gang are the loudmouth girls who are constantly seen (and heard) screaming in high decibels over their phone, not a care in the world. Usually fill up the entire width of the high street.

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Night Leisure: Not much. The only nightclub is Zero’s. Main hangouts are Parliament Square, Maidenhead Street and Fore Street. I must insist that any visitors must enforce a curfew upon themselves after 8:00pm. The start hitting the filthy streets around 7:30pm. The main hot-spots to watch out for are the 3 places listed above, plus Hartham Common and the Bengeo suburbs. Once, when walking home down Bengeo at around 7:00, three drunk lads staggered down the path, and one of them called out to me: ” Or’wite ma’?” I merely smiled, and one of them giggled at my expression. Every week night there is a flare-up or a shouting match that ensues in Hertford, usually resulting in the police being called down: poor sods.

Other Nightlife: McDonald’s (shuts at 5; but beware weekday afternoons: they come here in droves), local newsagent’s/off-licenses. The lack of nightlife in this town is probably what lead to the increase of ***** in Hertford in the first place. However you can usually spot a gang of likely lads guzzling a six-pack between them, or some really fat, ugly girls downing a WKD/VHF while almost spontaneously combusting while they talk (believe me, I’ve seen it happen before)

Cars: Watch out for these. Try and play ‘Spot the **** Car Game’: rubbish Vauxhall Astra fitted out with twin carburrettors, a rear plastic spolier and a ridiculously low suspension. If you listen carefully, the mind-numbing thump of Rap/R&B/Dance can be heard emanating from the boot (they can’t actually fit speakers in themselves). Usually packed with more people than they can carry, and driven by an intoxicated driver who shouts an incoherent message at anyone brave enough to walk the streets at night. Some have formulated their own ‘drive-bys’ where they suddenly tumble out of nowhere, put tremendous strain on their engines and skid round corners on two wheels. Suffice to say, it isn’t impressive.

Other **** forms of Transport: Bikes, bikes and, what do you know, more bikes! Anything with two wheels is worshipped by our local *****/townies/yobs/vandals. It is quite amusing to sit back and watch them attempt to do wheelis, then get embarassed when their rubbish pike fails them. Good game: try to “accidentally” get a twig caught in their spoke: annoys them greatly. Great entertainment!

Positive Stuff about Hertford: Good place for old CD’s, new DVDs and good tunes: Keen, Hives etc. Also a thriving rocker gang in Hertford. ROCK ON!

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To be cool in Hertford means you have to be hard. You can test out you’re hardness at the weekend, outside the local kebab shop once the pubs & clubs have shut. Young ***** do battle in the street, with little regard for their own personal safety! The ultimate chicken champ worrier will command a lot of respect amongst his fellow *****.

A high status job in Hertford is a night club bouncer, for a career that has no job prospect, pay’s peanuts, and you have to work the best 2 nights of the weekend in the freezing rain, I’m amazed anyone would want to do it?

Another way of proving your coolness is to spend time in prison. One cool **** robbed the local news agents, to escape he caught a taxi from the scene of the crime back to his home, thus guarantying his capture. Such an act of madness only served to enhance his reputation.

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After graduating from prison, a welcome home ceremony will be held in their honour at the Griffin pub Seal Farm.

The most repugnant Hertford **** will have an ACAB tattoo (all coppers are ********) ironically using the same acronym, we can change it to ‘all ***** are ********.’

It would be funny if it wasn’t so true.

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