So far I have lived in Newcastle, where the chavs are a particularily vicious breed but thankfully relatively few in number, Rugby where they roam the streets in vast numbers but are reasonable unthreatening and Newmarket where chavs appear to have been successfully controlled although I did not stay long and we all know they can move in almost over night. However nowhere has ever come close to my chav-infested home town of Hemel Hempstead.
Hemel squats near the m25 to the north west of london. It is a soulless new town, created out of concrete and presided over by the kodak building (a front runner in the competition for englands ugliest building). Hemel’s endless maze-like housing estates and urban sprawl have created the perfect breeding ground for chavs.
It is not worth doing a chav to normal ratio as there are very few normal people in Hemel and they work out of town (mostly in London), on their return they go straight home leaving the town itself at the mercy of the innumerable chavs that swarm the streets, clog up the roads in their barried up cars and pollute the air with their music blasted from in-car speakers worth more that the car itself.
I never actually lived in hemel but resided in a village outside its boundaries but we still had regular visitations from the scum as they came up to the lanes surrounding the village to race the cars they’d stolen up and down the lanes, hardly a year when by without the poor farmers having to remove 3 or 4 burnt out wrecks each from their fields.
Geographically hemel is within spitting distance of other notorious chavvilles many of which are posted on these very pages, chesham, watford, st albans, rickmansworth , hatfield and Wycome. Surely this must make this corner of our great nation the most chav infested hole on earth.
The center of town has the chav-tastic marlowes shopping centre (adequately stocked with the requisite sports shops and cheap jewelry shops as well as a fully stocked market with the whole gamut of knock off merchants). Once during a very brief visit to buy a book (something that illicits stares of wonderment for passing chavs, unless it is beckham or jordan’s biography, sales of which are the only thing which keep the towns one struggling bookshop in business) I was confronted by a young teenage chav leading a toddler (already with hoop earrings), in naive fashion i assumed the pair to be sisters and had to physically restrain my jaw from hitting the floor when the chav in training addressed what i assumed to be her elder sister as mum! she must have birthed the little sprog at an obscenly young age as it was a walking and talking when i saw it. On a different occasion I was passing through the centre of town late at night with a friend on the way to the takeaway when we were accosted by a gang of Chaved up 14 yr olds on bikes who informed us that they were the ‘raiders’ and that this was their turf. Why any one would want to declare ownership of a pedestrianised street is beyond me but I find it doesn’t pay to dwell on the motivation of these creatures of the night. Having laughed and moved on I was hit by one of the more enterprising little scum buckets. The reason for this, i think was that we had an audience of a couple of chavettes and that the chav in question was trying to impress his way to being the one who would get impregnate his chavette for the first time, oh their parents must be so proud. My friend and I both being rugby playing lads rounded on the culprit and deliverd a hail of shouted abuse and threats, violence proved unnessecay as they took off faster than a cheetah with it’s balls on fire. When I think back i seem to recall that the whole gang was fleeing even before we shouted at them.. just goes to show that if you open up a chav he’ll have a yellow streak a mile wide running through him. However the town centre is merely the training ground, the baby pool for Hemel’s chavs. To join the chav elite in hemel you got to get to Leisure world on Jarman Park.
The now notorious leisure world, repleat with horrific bar and 3 clubs, is the ultimate chav attracter. The site of this cultural sinkhole is on a field which was left by some kindly gent to the local council so that it could be preserved as a place for the children of Hemel to play in safety. Unfortunately the local council was quite at ease with whoreing itself out to some company who wanted to build a modern ‘entertainment complex’ once the Mr jarman (for that was his name) had passed on. It is as if the council was actively trying to attract the chavs.
Predictably the upmarket hotel and parkland area that were promised, never materialised and now there stands a tesco’s, a security guarded macdonalds and another of the ugliest buildings in the world, a giant faded orange structure with huge neon logo the bulbs of which are often broken (probably by flying Bacardi breezer bottles) so the sign ususally says something like _E_SU__ _ORL_. Inside in addition to the horrific clubs, jumpin jaks, vogue and ethos there is a horrible bar, a bowling alley and a swimming pool. given that the place is no more that 10 years old there is an air of decay and depravation that seems out of place in so new a building until you consider the clientele, chavs to a fault, every one.
Leisure world also houses a cinema. This is the only reason I visit this hell hole (I have never ever been for a night out in hemel, nor will I EVER, Wild horses wouldn’t get me there!) On the occasions when I have been going to the cinema in the evening you pass scores of these WKD fuelled idiots mooching around abusing anyone who has not joined the tribe and wasting their miserable lives in what looks, smells and sounds like the worst club ever. I have been into public toilets which are more appealing than this place. Predicatbly vast quantaties of lager and alcopops are consumered and the unbiquitous fight breaks out, (sometimes as early as 7pm), the police have to regularly attend and at least twice i’ve seen them in riot gear.
Those chavs too young to get in, (14 or under, the propriotors of the various drinking establishments seem to accept that the vast majority of their clientele are underage and so seem very lax on under age drinking and any one who has bum-fluff or breasts is allowed in) hang around the ranks of arcade games and bowling alley smoking and being cool.
So terrible is the problem in Hemel that the normal people have actually surrendered to the invading hordes. My father refuses to go into hemel (he hasn’t been in four years now) and my family and I never spend more than an hour within the town limits. My friends who have the misfortune to live in hemel actually prefer to travel miles out to my small local pub than go out in hemel. Once when the chavs attending a fair or something at a local airfield clashed with a group of p****s who had camped their a running battle ensued that lasted for 2 hours and the police were powerless to stop it.
Hemel is the perfect environment for chavs and naturally their numbers have swollen to gargantuan proportions. Avoid it at all costs.