Flambards Theme Park – Cornwall

CornwallSouth West

I had always thought that ***** who ventured to Cornwall on their holidays went little further afield than Newquay. Yet the far-flung town of Helston and it’s adjoining theme park seem to have a certain appeal to these people…

Take for example the abundance of amusement arcades that one can find here. These feature all the grabber machines and ‘over 18s only’ areas (complete with the ubiquitous 16 year old **** yelling at an attendant who won’t let them in) that you could ever wish for.

Let’s move on to the pedal-monorail, the idea of this being to pedal gently around the track in your little pod. So why do the ***** see fit to either pedal around at high speed and try to crash into the pod in front of them or alternatively pedal so slowly that they create a jam?

How grim is your Postcode?

The other place popular with ***** is the arena, this is basicially little more than a covered stage with 200 or so plastic garden chairs laid out in front of it. The stage was on this occaision occupied by a large chap in a vest encouraging the gleeful Chavlings and their oversized, underdressed parents to get up and jivin’ to the ‘Sound of the Underground’ (cue lots of wobbly bellies in boob tubes) and telling terrible jokes not dissimiliar to the efforts of one Jim Davidson (cue roars of laughter).

Of course, one need not visit these areas alone to get a fill of Chavdom. If you can last long enough without being ‘shot’ by little Madison and his plastic Uzi then you can hear the air ringing with the delightful tones of ‘Ere Sharon, git over ‘ere, naaaa!!’ in a selection of inner city dialects and savour the scent of chips and greasy pasties that taints every breath.

Flambards, ‘The best day of the week’? Not for me it wasn’t, but if you live in Chatham and want to bring your grotty little brood somewhere for a day on your holiday, then look no further.

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