Plymouth, the toilet of England

Living in Plymouth, Devon
Living in Plymouth, Devon

Plymouth, the toilet of England

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When I left a Glasgow 12 years ago, for a fresh start in Plymouth I didn’t think you could get much worse.. Oh how wrong I was. On the edge of the “River Tamar” with Cornwall bordering, famous for pasties and being the only county where you someone can introduce you to their aunt, wife, cousin and niece with the twist of it’s all the same woman.

It is impossible to walk around the city centre of even the surrounding areas such as West Hoe, The Barbican, Mutley or Cattedown without hearing the most common words such as “init” “fam” and my personal favourite “get back to your own country”

With amazing schools such as Stoke Damerel Community College and Marine Academy, that are famous for being [absolutely lovely] and quite frankly the people even the ****** Cornish [will lovingly] accept [or we get sued].


A few weeks ago I was in the local Morrisons in a more higher class area known as Plymstock, the cashier asked a “gentleman” if he’d like to collect vouchers for the local school, I was taken back by his reply of “No thanks, they’re evil little bastards in that school [none of the above], they piss through your letterbox.” Oh what a joyous thing to come home to, a house smelling of stale urine, but living in Plymouth you get used to that smell after a while.

Then you have areas such as Keyham where the woman with 5 kids by 7 different men reside, with the locals unable to leave their property after 6.30pm with the fear you are either you going to be mugged or petrol bombed on your travels.

Then you have to listen to people saying such things as “I love Plymouth, we’ve got Smeathens Tower, the Hoe and the Barbican.
No my dear, Smeathens Tower is where the said clatty Keyham ch4vs go to add another child to their benefit list after being fertilised against said lighthouse.

The Barbican

The Barbican is a street with some nice glass shops but these are soon reunited by the Wetherspoons named the Gig and Magog, may i recommend anyone who has a spare hour on Friday evenings to drive along Southside Street and counted the used needles and blood stains? It’ll be interesting to know the answer.

The Hoe is a bit of grass on a seafront, with people who look bored witless walking up and down the foreshore. Once you’ve seen it that 1 time, you lose interest.


Let’s now move on to the local “snobs” who say they live in “Plympton” thinking they’re something special living in just another suburb of Plymouth whilst wearing the exact same tracksuit as those who are currently sat on Mutley Plain getting their daily fix.

Bianca, the messenger

In Plymouth [someone anonymous] had a magnificent idea to build a statue of a character from a Shakespearean play, they called this statue Bianca, the messenger. This well-educated individual failed to realise that this woman was actually a prostitute. If you are reading this may I recommend you stick her down Millbay Road with the rest of them? Opposed to in the middle of Royal Parade?

St Budeaux

Moving on to my next part of this rant, let’s go to St Budeaux more commonly known to the locals as “budo” these people who hang around “the square” where the old KFC used to be thing they’re ‘ard’ when in reality they are that fragile they come apart in a slight breeze.


Now I would like to move onto the Greenbank area of the city, where all of the drug addicts take rest for the night in their 4 bedroom house that they have to share with 11 other men. There used to be a Hospital located on Greenbank Hill, but as stabbings became less popular in the area, they built a fire station in it’s place to be able to respond to the arsons quicker.


The final area I wish to address, is Honicknowle. There used to be a select streets for the ne’er-do-wells back in the day such as Eastbury Avenue, Wanstead Grove etc, within the last 4 years this area is becoming Greenbank the second, they had a community centre they, until one of the thoughtful young gentlemen who lives there, set it alight for a dare.


All in all, Plymouths highlights are

  • A breeding tower
  • A statue of a prostitute
  • Young girls who have the attitude of “Why work, when you can keep producing kids and leech off the tax payer.”
  • A community centre thats been burnt to smithereens for the last 3 years, the rubble is still there for those who are interested!

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