Ahh, Croydon – king of all **** towns, famous for finishing in the Top 10 of the **** Towns and being the only town to feel “robbed” by their finish… A place famous throughout the UK for being a **** hole and got beaten by somewhere like Telford in it’s bid to become a ******, erm.. sorry a city.. ***** come from far and wide to worship at the ***** temple that is the Whitgift Shopping Centre, a place that has more McDonalds, KFC’s and Burger Kings than any other place on the planet – many a **** family can be seen having their Sunday lunch in one of these fine eateries. A massive TKMax is handily situated close to these food outlets so one can combine the eating and fake burberry shopping without walking too far and therefore reducing the chances of being spotted by the DSS and getting their fraudulent disability claims pulled. Lots of sport shops for the classic nike trackie bottoms and reebok classics combo, and many “up-market” clothes shops such as Budwals where you can buy Hackett, Nicholson and Lacoste gear at “wicked” prices.

However, night-time is when Croydon really comes into it’s own. The younger ***** are usually on their way home due to their curfew/electronic tags/time to feed the baby and this is when the older ***** (i.e: 15-20 yr olds) decide to descend on the Croydon “strip”. Yes, like Veronica’s in Tenerife, Croydon has a long road full of classy establishments such as the Goose on the Market (which not only has ***** flocking there in number for the cheap drinks but also has the **** bags from Surrey Street Market lowering the tone) and McKluskeys, a place so chavvie that a bouncer was recently gunned down in a “drive-by”. Reports that the shooter was in a souped-up Fiesta are unconfirmed…. You do have the more up-market bars such as Yates, Edwards and Tiger Tiger but these are inaccessible for most ***** due to their over 21’s/only older ******** policy. Last but not least there is the infamous Blue Orchid nightclub which has people from as far and wide as Bromley, Streatham, Sutton & Essex (!) queuing up to get in and rophy’ed up.

Throw in the “Rude Boy/Gangsta” element that also plagues this delightful place and you really do have the **** Town! Luckily, I managed to escape 2 years ago but I still travel back every so often just to get a bit of “reality”. If anyone wants to see ***** in their natural environment and run the risk of getting mugged, stabbed, raped, glassed, shot or just plain “dissed” then come down to Croydon, it’s even got **** trams which are free to ***** until they get caught by the ‘gadgets’ (inspectors)! Enjoy! For more proof check out a fellow Croydonians website: http://members.aol.com/slunksoma/front.html

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