Like any area situated close to the parent town of Stockport (or Rockport as it has become known), Cheadle Hulme is a haven for filthy chavsters.
Still clinging on to its “posh” reputation of long ago, Cheadle Hulme has now become a dumping ground for criminals and pikeys frozen out of scummier habitats.
Strict rules apply to the way a chav must dress in Cheadle Hulme. They are as follows:-
Mr Chav: Horizontally-striped Nickelson or Henri Lloyd sweater with Eminem-style tracksuit bottoms and impossibly colourful Nike Air Max. Baseball caps appear to be optional.
Mrs Chav: Anything that serves to make the young slapper look like a low-budget Christina Aguilera, along with earrings you could train seals to jump through and of course…the Reebok Classics.
During the day, any chav (usually ranging from 10 up to 40 years old) is happy to chain smoke scrounged fags and poor quality hash outside the local shops, occasionally popping in to wreak some unwanted havoc. Special activities include taking the horrific 368/9 bus service to the local mecca that is “Rockport” and exposing innocent passers by to the gnarled teeth of their extremely ugly dog. They may occasionally “walk” their abused Staffy, too.
In the evening, chavs can entertain themselves in various ways – as with all Chav Towns, there is a Wetherspoons pub (for that special occasion) and what appears to be a Chav Theme Pub that hosts “Ibiza Night” on Fridays and bloody fist fights every other night.
So remember – if you’re ever in the area, make sure you stop off to visit our beautiful town – it has more clowns than the circus – and it’s cheaper.