Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in West London

The origins of the chav race is a hotly contested subject; many towns & regions lay claim to the accolade, & in true chav fashion – most of them are lying… However, I can reveal to you that the mother of Chavdom is Whitton (& it won’t come as much of a surprise that no-one is quite sure who the father is)…

The once idyllic streets of Whitton have been invaded by a species that look set on staying… These imbeciles have taken the saying ‘the streets of London are paved with gold’ quite literally… Be warned – if you ever have the great misfortune of finding yourself on Kneller Road close your eyes & run… the array of sparkling sovereigns & chavtastic ‘gold’ chains can cause permanent sight impairment… Furthermore the beholders are an aggressive breed; like dogs try your up-most not to look at them directly in the eyes… if you do however find yourself cornered throw the rabble a can of ice-cold stella – that should keep them at bay for a few crucial moments, whilst you can make a hurried get-away…

Favourite haunt for the adolescent Chav in Whittion is the Admiral Nelson… Stella, or ‘wife beater’ as it is affectionately known is consumed by the gallon-full here… which is a blessing for the female chavs that inhabit the bar, as you would have to have the blindness of the late Nelson to ever consider approaching one of them with sober-balls…

The Whitton Chav (suitably abbreviated; WC) is however wary of public health warnings… A recent government study revealed that 5 portions of fruit & veg must be consumed on a daily basis… however, I don’t think they have grasped the concept fully; piling your life-savings into the nearest ‘fruity’, whilst savaging a bag of pickled onion crisps, isn’t quite what Blair & co. had in mind… The disgruntled WC assures himself that it is ‘paying out’ as he continues to empty his pockets… & is then left in a dilemma as he takes out his last golden nugget – ‘do I gamble, or cut my losses & get a kebab burger from ‘pizza no-no’ on the way home’… The ever-intelligent Chav convinces himself that when he wins, he will be able to get a kebab-burger AND chips on the way home… but all he ends up with is two cherries & a golden bell – Now what use is that when you haven’t eaten in days!!!