Twydall is located between the towns of Gillingham and Rainham and is a delightful place to visit, but not when you’re on your own. It has an extremely large population of ****’s who believe in the old adage of ‘strength in numbers’ and ‘a life without a bottle of white lightening and a *** is not worth living’. You will find this ‘special’ breed of ***** mainly around the cluster of shops known, imaginatively, as Twydall shops mainly on the wall outside the public toilets and outside spar, drinking heavily and trying to throw each other in front of traffic ‘for a laugh (if you happen to have a twydall **** land on your bonnet NEVER attempt to stop and help them as this is their most cunning mugging ploy to date, drive on and you’ll only have lost your windscreen wipers).
A place of interest in Twydall shops is The Engineers Public house, a quaint pub with a very hostile family enviroment. viewed from outside you will see groups of older, fake id carrying, ****’s drinking large quantities of cheap lager bought from spar and tipped into used beer glasses. Half of said ***** will be smoking (normally tobacco, or lambert and butler if they’ve ripped off someone earlier) the other half will be frantically shouting ‘SCOOBS ON THAT SON’ (translated as ‘please may i half half of that ciggarette as i am broke and live in a hovel’) there will also be a variety of mini-****’s running around shouting, fighting for *** butts, stealing dvds from blockbusters mini drop and being beaten by their parents.
Inside the Engineers you are greeted with a choice of two sides of which to enjoy your final beverage the old half and the young half. DO NOT ENTER THE YOUNG HALF as the old half you can run from as they are slow and disabled (often from fights when they were young *****).
If you decide you need to leave The Engineers of your own free will do not be tempted to leave via the back door as this leads into a warren of alleyways that are prime mugging grounds for large groups of chap hat wearing, cheaper tracksuit *****.
Another place of interest is Beechings way field. Here you will encounter delightfull characters with imaginative nick names such as ‘Dirge, Titch, Shag, Mo and smiths. You will find them drinking their white lightening and talking loudely about the effects they had whilst doing various drugs they have not even seen, never mind tried. But beware, they may look friendly, Shouting quaint phrases like ‘*** ere you cant’ or ‘I’m gonna facking butcher you’ but the likelyhood is you might be chased and beaten violently (maybe have your valuables removed if one of them has that particularly bright idea). Whan running from such an attack never be tempted to vacate your person to one of the delightfull needle and glass strewn alleyways as you are in fact being ‘herded’ to an even larger group of *****. THIS DOES HAPPEN!! The nightlife is also superior in Twydall with many intresting events such as “Run for your life”, “Hide and seek”, “Whose knife is this?”, “Murder in the park” and a new twist on an old game “Mugopoly”. The ***** can be found breeding behind the church and on a friday night it is possible to join in, and dont worry about getting the ******** pregnant as she will never know which one did it.
On most Saturdays the population can be found migrating towards The Ice Bowl where free blades are handed out!! A fun time is guranteed to be had if visiting then!
So if you are now interested in visiting this vibrant and exciting town than buses run from Chatham every day at various times and you want the one that says Twydall. Oh and dont worry about a return once you enter you may never leave!! Have Fun!
Gillingham- The Bane of my Life
Sittingbourne, oh the joy
Chatham – Viva **** Vegas
Chatham: the dog sh*t splattered patio of the Garden of England
Gillingham – Lively Rubbish Bin of the South East
Luton in Chatham is the festering cesspit of Medway
Rochester should forget Dickens. He’s dead & the town should try a new trick
Hoo, if you smoke weed then there’s one dealer for every 3 people
Gillingham: a quaint little sh*tehouse situated on the river Medway