Is life getting you down comrade? Does your babushka keep saying she wants to have more money and not work? Are your fingers falling off from all that Krokodil and nuclear waste in the water? Then you need a benefits holiday to….. SHIRLEY, SOUTHAMPTON!!!!
Seriously though, it has now gotten to the point down Shirley high street that there is more Polish/Romanian/Bulgarian/ ex USSR sign writing than there are even charity shops! And that’s saying something! walk down this decaying old street, and you’ll see such wonders as the steroid addicted Slav in an Everlast (of course) tracksuit ask you for a fag in polish before insulting you for not speaking his language. Or of course there’s the famous long haired tramp who wears a coat in the height of summer and is on his fifth special brew by 9am, even on Sunday which frankly; is impressive as I have no idea where he can even get them from! Or there’s my personal favourite, and possibly the most tragic, there is a young “homeless” woman, she’ll always call you “sir” or ma’am” and you can gaze in awe upon her as she injects heroin, straight into her face…. the entertainment never stops!
Basic accommodation is south of this varicose vein that is the high street – affectionately known by all people from the “posh” (if you could call then that) areas as ‘The Mutant Mile’. There you’ll be able to house up to 20 of your relatives and friends children so you can claim more child benefit in a bijou and cosy Victorian terraced house complete with broken boiler and complimentary mesophilioma from all that asbestos! From there you also have a stunning view of our world famous port! For some reason people actually want to come here on a cruise, and you’ll be able to get the best view from your street, you’ll see delights such as 10.000 containers, rows of Honda civics and Ford transits waiting to be sold, and colossal piles of scrap metal and waste waiting to be shipped away! As you can imagine, the smell is unique to say the least.
To the North of the high street you’ll have places such as Shirley avenue, this is a no go zone, as it is inhabited solely by people that refuse to admit that southampton is a dive, a husk of its former self! Oh yes! You can walk down the street and see evidence of its former glory, old Victorian and Edwardian town houses, large gardens and lots of hidden history, but all that is tarnished by the amount of cooking spoons and vomit you find along the floor! You’ll see that whilst in this area, people will tend to be of an older generation having moved here before landlords turned every other house into student accommodation or immigrant ghettos. Which has forced most actual working people to move out of Southampton, aggravating the city’s issues even further.
For the petrol heads among you; you can rejoice! Most nights but especially Friday and Saturday nights there is an unofficial parade of cars in which mostly middle eastern and polish men drive around competing for a mate, you’ll see such delights as a 2002 BMW 318i race a 1997 Mercedes E220 whilst either Punjabi or Eastern European techno blares from the windows! You can enjoy all this from either the Brightwater inn the wetherspoons which is actually the best place to drink (sadly), the Shirley hotel (where you can’t go in unless you are called “mush” and have faded tattoos of terribly drawn pin up girls on your arms, the Salisbury arms (just no – they actually have a sign that says: We no LONGER accept the sale of drugs or stolen goods at the bar.) Or purchase a beer from home in one of our many ‘Skleps’ and sit on a bench at one of our many disused bus stops, so now you’re here, sit back and relax. After all you’re in Shirley.