Written by Anonymous. Posted in Uncategorised

The home of the Thorntons chocolate factory is truly the gateway to Derbyshire. This “town” shares it’s borders with the equally difficult areas of Selston and Alfreton, (not to mention Riddings and Ripley.)

For my first three years i was unfortunate enough to live in this shoddy place but the years have taken its toll, with a blossoming chav mecca now standing where the where the foundations of Somercotes once stood.

With easy acces to both Alfreton and Selston, this seems the ideal resting place to set up a chav home. With a bevvy of local eateries and drinking establishments, such as the “Dog and Doublet” there is no reason to want to ever leave.

With a Co-Op on Somercotes Hill, that has recently stepped into the new millenium by installing its own bakery, and a medical centre, there is everything a developing family needs to feel right at home!

This area of town, (with the only remaining bus shelter) and the park provide a natural arena for young chavs and chavettes to gather and put the world to rights. Strewn with special brew and white lightning cans, the chavs have claimed the park as their own, often making use of the street furniture and playground equipment, as impromptu fornication devices. This makes a refreshing “al fresco” change to the carpark behind the co-op or the grave yard.

What town could be complete without the obligatory retail park? Well Somercotes has it all, a huge Aldi, with wall-to-wall teenage Mums and screaming chavlings, a Paaaaaahnd Shop, and a BQ really means you can live the dream!

This carpark is transformed to a circuit by night, where 9 carrat clad chavs and chavettes smoke, drink and thrash their 1l novas. It also handy for bitch-fights, and due to it’s excellent clarity of signal is ideal for a texting frenzy!

For the small number of people who do actually work, there are actually some really good opportunities on the Cotes industrial estate, it’s just a terrible shame that the majority of the teenagers leaving this area are unable to read or write, so the majority of the workers employed there are from other areas. Oh well, why would they want to work anyway, when they can sign on?

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