Although just a small district of Sutton Coldfield, New Oscott certainly merits a mention as a ‘hive of scum and villainy’. To the passing observer, New Oscott is simply a small collection of shops based at the crossroads of several North Birmingham suburbs, and the ChavHolme itself, Walsall. However if you are masochistic enough to scratch below the surface (or, God forbid, actually LIVE here) then an horribly prescient pattern will emerge. This is CHAV CITY.
The mere presence of Tesco’s, KwikSave, a couple of dive pubs (The Mount and the Beggars Bush, anyone?) a rat-infested Pizza Hut and a chip shop is enough to make any self-disrespecting chav squirt in his or her B-Wise underpants. Here, their dominion is complete. There is even an area variant; the Fosseway Estate has spawned the scummiest, work-shirking, rat-imitating, pasty, retarded, worse-dressed druggie dodge-ites ever to disgrace JJB, and Fossers are their name. Unfortunately this means that they are breeding far too quickly for any control measures to be put into place, although I have submitted a 50,000-signature petition from local residents who are willing to give up their homes in order to turn the area into an Auschwitz-style concentration camp, where the offending worshippers of Burberry/Elizabeth Duke etc can be disposed of with the utmost prejudice.
The only plus side with the chavs of New Oscott is that although they frequently beat and sexually abuse them, the chavettes are certainly in charge. This means that near all chavs are in their St Georges Cross-adorned, sweaty dinge-hole of a rented abode before 10pm, either to avoid suffering Big Mama Chav’s displeasure (see: a heroin-fuelled beating with a garden chair), or so they can put the ‘babby’ to bed and get some quality time in watching Wife Swap and marvelling at their role models, i.e scum that managed to get on telly. Bring on vigilantes! Please!?!?!