Motherwell, what a sh*t hole!

Living in Motherwell

i had the misfortune to live in Motherwell during my formative teen years, and also met my now ex-wife there(so i suppose i am slightly biased).

Motherwell is between Hamilton and Bellshill, and seems to attract most of the pond life from there and other satellite towns so they can congregate in “strathy park”. now don’t let the “park” bit of the description mislead you, most of the green space is used up by dead tramps, used needles and empty buckfast (or fu*k fast) bottles, and as such i would not recommend taking the kids down for a picnic.

If you manage to treck through the no-mans land inhabited by gold wearing saliva dripping monkeys without getting mugged/stabbed/infected/leg humped, you will come across an “amusement park” (i use the term very loosely) which is a mecca to the pram pushing *********, all looking for the father of their offspring (as most of them were conceived in the adjacent car park). They remind me of salmon, returning to the place of their birth to spawn more little snotty nosed primark clothed under nourished (fruit pastells are not part of your five a day)little darlings. to be fair, its not the kids fault…..when your main role model is “anna marie, fae the moerwell young crew” who loves nothing more than letting drugged up ***** sh*ag them, then knock them about, and whos main highlight is nothing more than to skip to the local asian corner shop on giro day, and buy as many richmond **** and buckfast as her “brew” will allow. so all in all, avoid Motherwell, in fact, avoid Lanarkshire, in fact (and as a scotsman i say this with a heavy heart) avoid the south of Scotland all together.

How grim is your Postcode?

[Updated 2016]
Well things have been improving, most of the jaykays have moved out of the park and up to the local restaurant in the town centre (McDonalds eatery). If you want to use the park and ride facilities in Motherwell then forget it, all the cheapskates from Hamilton cross the dual carriageway to use our free parking policy and as there are no traffic wardens after wee Jimmy retired 10 years ago, you can park across any driveways you wish providing your car will still drive without wheels.

The Ravenscraig site is finally beginning to see new homes being built, the former steel work site was so contaminated with old metal waste that it took over 20 years for the *****’s lovely travelling folk, tinks and the local thieving b…..ds to clear the area.

The town centre shopping area is looking better after Asda moved to their custom built store taking most of the pram pushing ********* with them. Asda managed to close down the Coop store and WH Smith by under cutting them both, there was no newsagent in the town centre for quite a while.

On the down side there is traffic jams in the town centre once more, the concrete paving has been ripped up and been replaced by wider pavements of cathness slabs , the most expensive slippy paving money can buy, on a good rainy day if you time it right at any one moment there will be at least two oap’s lying on their back murmuring fu.king pavements *****!. The taxis use the taxi ranks ,parking bays and loading bays all at once, they treat Muir street like a car park and prevent the buses and any commercial traffic from getting through with their selfish don’t give a **** attitude, so don’t expect to get up Hamilton road in a hurry. The pedestrian precinct on Merry street is now used by all the lazy drivers  cutting through the bus lane no entry sign, this now causes a traffic jam in the other direction through the cross, so don’t expect the bus to get you anywhere fast.

The town centre jaykays can still be easily identified by their blue bucky bags, they tend to shout out very loudly at no one in particular ‘you’re a fu.king arseho.e’ , they usually walk about pairs and have a face that looks like they have used it to stop a lawnmower blade. They love to scare women , kids and young female shop assistants, they are the **** of Motherwell and are a perfect example of why police brutality should be allowed. If you ever come across one, [imagine that you’d like to -Ed] boot him in the balls first before calling him a fu.king arseho.e.