welcome to the **** hole that is kirkby in ashfield. please enjoy your stay in this place where nike shocks breed and burbary is painted onto people aposed to wearing it
kirkby has other things to offer aswell, such as the ocasional threat, or if your lucky the ocasional glassing from small ‘wreck-heads’ drinkin bottles of wkd and smoking paper pretendin to get stoned. the ***** have 4 main watering holes in kirkby. the main one being ‘the acre’ where there is accomodation for sitting, and basket ball hoops, to put young skaters boards or childrens hats.
kirkby also has a growing popualtion of 90 degree hats, the popualtion has seemed to go from 60 to 61 as one child has joined the herd. mostly kirkby has to offer is probably the ********** of ‘tracki’s tucked in sock’ this is a rather funny sight, tis even funnier when it rains, they all moan about wet feet.
of course kirkby has its local *****, ready for a shag there and then, ages range from 10-18 so fun for all the family, the local area for this congregation of ***** is usually the acre aswell, the ***** are always ontime aswell..there always ready, kinda dressed and have there femidoms in place by atleast 3.15 on the acre, ready to punce on fathers or children ready to collect there children.
kirkby is a nice place, ofering a good range of cheap *** shops, many chip shops an chineses, but most of all ***** and ****, these are kirkbys only true asset, there is the ocational boy racer, but this herd has bin enclosed by the *****(most of the boy racers have died from so form of undiscovered sexual disease) so it is still rare to hear the stupidly loud clio or bumpers scraping on the ground of a renault 5 but is still not extinct. the main sound in kirkby is the smashing of bottles, the howling ****** of a budding **********, the clanging of ‘**** gear’ or the popping of a pill packet, but most of all the the overall sound of kirkby is..YA ***** WHAT!
thank you for taking th time to read this **** guide to kirkby.
How grim is your Postcode?
Kirkby-in-Ashfield – it’s the place to come if you’re desperate to experience life on the edge! of suicide. See a moped on fire on the football pitch! Hear car alarms! Smell – erm – well we don’t know but it’s pretty much always there.
Kirkby-in-Ashfield is a charming town in the east midlands, between Nottingham and Mansfield. I use the word ‘charming’ in an entirely sarcastic manner.
Once a pit town, the pits are long since gone and so the town has moved forward, embracing its new industry of the largest metal shutter producer in the northern hemisphere. The produce of this thriving industry is showcased in the local Shopping Precinct, where some 80% of shops display the wares all day, every day. on account of them having closed down long ago. ironically one of the last surviving shops is the Co-Op Funeral Service.
***** come from far and wide – but mostly Coxmoor – to sample the delights of the precinct, taking in the ambience of the co-op car park which displays some two hundred different kinds of smashed car window glass. those wishing to stick around can find rest in one of the many public houses such as the Leg Of Mutton, easily found by following the sounds of 13 year old girls learning the finer points of oral pleasure around the back. Or the more adventurous can seek ale in the Nags Head, which features air-rifle holes in the plaster dating back as far as 1996. This pub is easily found – ask any passer by for directions to the big ugly concrete clock that never tells the right time.
How grim is your Postcode?
Unfortunately the lack of a local McDonalds has precluded a “cruise” forming but there is a challenging one-way system for the budding **** Schumachers. The challenge being to make the chicane next to the drive-through chemist (I kid you not) without being blinded by hoards of fat birds in tight white trousers and black thongs on the grass opposite.
Sadly the demise of local commerce has led to a lot of the ****’s favourite boutiques being closed down but many still enjoy the thrill of shoplifting from Londis, which excites even the grimmest of local teenage “talent” ******* around outside. for the more adventurous there are regular buses to Nottingham and Mansfield where the driver hardly ever notices you scratching “KEV AND SHAZ OF KINA WOZ HERE 2004” into one of the windows. Once the purchase of a burberry hat and white trainers is complete the lucky **** can choose to get the train back to Kirkby, with a massive one train a week at peak times serving the town.
We hope you will come to Kirkby, to sample what it has to offer. Remember to bring offerings for the locals – a cap that is too small so has to sit atop a shaved head rather than over it, or perhaps a new screwdriver to breathe new life into the dwindling art of smashing the steering lock of a Ford Escort so it can be dumped in the Quarries. You will always find a warm welcome in Quik-Save (as long as you spend more than five pounds – two bottles of Mad Dog 20-20 normally suffices) and rest assured the level of reported crime has actually dropped in the past two years. ever since the police station went half-time and vandals cut the telephone link to the nearest manned one.