Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia

Well, Kings Lynn town, what can I say? Well, how about starting with a simple statement. “Lynn is as big a s**t-hole as you’re likely to see, ever”. People from outside Norfolk seem to think Norfolk is full of thick, inbred ignorant tossers….a little unfair, unless you’re talking about Kings Lynn. Round here, somehow everyone knows everyone. You slag off someone in a pub, it’ll probably turn out their whole family live in the same house and will soon turn up with their very own chav clan. In that respect, Lynn is a weird place. Not wierd as in strange, we’re talking a whole new level of weirdness. It’s like people come here and can’t possibly escape. Anyway, Perhaps it might be a good idea for me to go into why this is the case. Lets see….this site is called chavtowns, and that’s the main reason for Lynns general unpleasantness. Chavs. Hundreds of em. Or to be more accurate, thousands of them, and they’ve taken over good and proper. To start with we have the lovely Fairstead estate, the Gaywood (pronounced “gaywoo’t”) estate, Springwood estate, North Lynn, South Lynn, not forgetting the picturesque public loo that is Hillington Square. They even branch out into the surrounding areas, West Winch, Tilney, Middleton, and the like as a result of the council rehoming them away from trouble (that presumably they caused in the first place). If you wish to spot a chav, unfortunatly you don’t even have to bother looking. They come to you, more often than not demanding money or fags, or if you’re unlucky phones, jewellery and anything else they can get their hands on. The main daytime chav haunts are the local bus station where you’ll spot plentiful amounts of single mums with their prams sporting kappa tracksuits, and scraped back hair with the usual gymnastic hoop earings, while the blokes casually smoke joints in their burberry baseball caps, dressed to look like they’re from “the hood”. When it comes to clothing the shop of choice is chav superstore (also known as “labels”), never before have so many chav items of clothing existed under one roof, they even play R ‘n’ B “flavas” on the shop sound system, presumably this makes the chavs believe they’re proper gangsters by wearing all the 50 cent style “threads”. At the end of a long day’s shoplifting, Lynn chavs like nothing more than to visit one of the many pubs about town, usually taking their pick of one of the many venues along Norfolk Street, where they will start as many fights as possible before proceeding to Zoots to do more of the same. When it comes to closing time, they’re all back to Norfolk Street to end the night with a last fight or 2 before returning home, to a prison cell, or the house of a cheap disease ridden Lynn slapper chav for a quick “beat and abuse” session. If they don’t have money for drinks then it’s a night outside an offie with a bottle of white lightening stolen from a shop in town earlier on in the day, before kicking the crap out of an asylum seeker or someones car. Talking of cars, cars and chavs = danger. The typical chav drives an old beat up nova that will do 0-60 in 4 seconds simply because it’s got a max power sticker and a massive alloy wing sitting on the boot. Look in the back seat and you’ll probably see 3 or 4 young chav girls drinking from a bottle of lambrini or babycham, dancing around to the hardhouse beats blasting from the stolen 6 x 9’s in the sheet of MDF parcel shelf (with the obligatory dip in the middle). Ten times out of ten the driver will be wearing the trademark fake burberry cap and as many 9ct gold chains as he can fit round his scrawny little neck.
Anyway, that was chav Lynn, after reading that I hope you all do the right thing and stay away. Trust me, you don’t want to come here, if you’ve ever heard of the phrase “a fate worse than death”, then you’ve got an idea of what life around here’s like already. Just remember, Micheal Caroll lives round these parts, and he’s possibly one of the biggest c**nts on the planet.

Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in East Anglia

I can’t believe no-one has mentioned my home town of Kings Lynn in Norfolk, I mean, it is surely the centre of the Chav universe, it is absolutely fuckin’ full of ’em and here’s why…

1. Our Magistrates court is where none other than lotto millionaire chav Michael “Mikey” Carroll goes whenever his brain cell fails and causes him to do something so stupid he gets caught. “Mikey” can often be seen mooching around our town centre with a gaggle of six or seven other chavs, usually ridiculously laden with gold, Burberry and Phil Mitchell-style leather coats, complements of “Mikey” himself. Strangely, you never see him with the same people twice!

2. Our brand new town centre re-development, currently in its early stages. When finished, the centre stage will be given to a huge great gleaming JJB Sports! and a TK Maxx! Is our enormous Matalan not big enough for all of them? I, meanwhile have to go to places like Norwich, Cambridge or London to find stuff I like to wear.

3. Our dazzling nightlife! Kings Lynn is home to numerous pubs (most of which, admittedly, are not too bad) and three nightclubs (one of these is a Chicago Rock Cafe, does that count?) Anyway, the Hogshead on the High Street on a Friday or Saturday night can resemble a Blazin’ Squad Fan Club convention, and the Lattice House and Globe have recently been taken over by Wetherspoons (the Globe is now a Lloyds no.1 bar!) so there is now plenty of cheap Stella and Bacardi Breezers for them to get tanked up on before moving onto Zoots, Lynns premier nightspot! To get to my old house from my local I would have to walk past first the Hogshead and then Zoots. One Saturday night last summer I was treated to the sight of around twenty Mike Skinner lookalikes indulging in a free-for-all outside the Hogs until the riot vans turned up and then 10 minutes later outside Zoots witnessed a 9 stone Nickelson-shirted ratboy being restrained by two policemen whilst his “bird”, sporting a fresh shiner squealed something along the lines of “Waaaaayne! facking leave ‘im alone pigs!” The following weekend, I was chased across a car park by 5 or 6 cheap nylon shirted neds, an encounter that left me in hospital for 2 days with a broken arm, concussion and a left eye that wouldnt open for over a week.

4. The Bus Station. From around 8am to 11:30pm, 7 days a week this is strictly for the chavs and chavettes, at any given time you are guaranteed to see at least 5 specimens male or female (female usually with kids named Brooklyn, Jordan or Connor!) all communicating in chav-speak. Usually quite a dangerous place in the evening when the males gather with their cheap fags and warm Stella although earlier this year, three chavs were given a year in jail each after launching “a drunken, vicious attack” on two Portuguese gentlemen, at 1:30pm on a Saturday afternoon!

5. A McDonalds drive-thru next to a retail park with a giant Halfords. Perfect for when you need a comedy-sized exhaust for yer 1200cc Nova! then you can rumble over to the drive-thru and sit in the fuckin’ car park all night shaking the foundations and your windscreen loose with D12 or Nelly’s latest blasting through your comedy-sized “subs”! I’m sure that Gemma and ‘Becca would sell their clown pendants to ride wit’ you!

6. Lynn Gold. A small but proud independent jewellers, their stock of clown pendants, creole earrings and sovs take pride of place in their window display. Therefore the stream of Duberry, Rocksport and Timmy Hilfinger-clad townies in and out of its doors and congregated outside is almost continuous (See also our gigantic Elizabeth Duke!)

Maybe it is down to the fact the we are circled by four large council estates or maybe its just us living up to our national stereotype as thick, inbred carrot crunchers (well, some of us anyway!) I just dont know, anyway, there you have it, Kings Lynn. Come and see for yourself sometime!

Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in United Kingdom

Halfords Car Park Kings Lynn (Good venue to watch the local Police catch a Chav “Doughnutting a car 20 minutes before his ban finishes”), also the bus station in the town centre which seems to be ChavMecca (Draws alot of Chavs and Chavettes from the Chav catchment areas of Spalding, Holbeach,Swaffham, Downham Market and Wisbech).
A special mention should be made about the benches in the High Street outside HMV,as these attract the ChavElite for not only is the HMV,Index,TopShop, the essiental Mothercare, but the one and only Chav shopping paradise AllSport
Kings Lynn once known as a historic fishing and whaling port, a multitude of historic buildings and Church’s has now turned into what is known as Kings Bling. This may be down to the fact that MultiBlingChavaire Michael Carrol has regular court apperances in the town or the fact it was sadly burden with a London overfill estate named Fairstead or “The Stead”.
Chavism is in its full glory in most parts of this town, and its surrounding areas. One particular area to visit is Norfolk Street in the heart of Kings Lynn, this is ChavNirvanna a multitude of theme pubs, kebab shops and not one but two Gold Dealers who have a vast array of chunky chains, clowns, soveriegns and the all important XXL hoop earrings, not to be outdone though the Chav highend clothing retailer are also located at the top of this street selling such class items as Perry Ellis, Burberry Style Clothing and Gorgio!
You may ask yourself if the Chavs of Kings Lynn could be offered anymore delights? Well the answer is yes!, Located close to the train station is the Chavs ultimate shopping paradise a sports warehouse that is so exclusive to Chavs it only opens at weekends and has such authentic items as Von Dutch trucker hats for only £15, DKNY hoodies £22.
Chavs rejoice at the splenders of Kings Bling