Heaven and Hull

Living in Hull, East Yorkshire

Never been there before today, didn’t believe all the adverse comments but **** me WHAT A SH*THOLE. **** empty shops with useless staff, food takeaways serving cold **** and none of the tech works to order and pay for your Big Mac (no names, no packdrill); empty arcades; dirty water. And then there are the residents. I won’t say people as obviously there have been many years of genetic mutation caused by trawler men breeding with cod and haddock, but the results are all over the sh*tty city – five generations of pop eyed. big gobbed, fat bellied f*ckwits with fins and tails and VERY low intelligence.

Unlike many **** towns where the problem rests with feckless youth, there are as many septuagenarian druggy wasters and alkies as gormless yobs. You can even find yourself poked in the ribs by some dirty old bag with a walking aid trying to pinch your table in a coffee shop – trust me, it was the nearest that her crutch had been to a male for a long time…human male anyway…..

I managed to stay for two and a half hours. By the end I had to get away or I might have been mistaken for a rabies sufferer, frothing at the mouth with unmitigated hatred for this bloody awful hell-hull.

How grim is your Postcode?

While it might be argued that the only way forward is to destroy this horror-set, all the ways and means have associated problems. For example, some might advocate using tunnelling equipment to undermine the foundations, sink the city and thus drown all of them, but they do have piscatorial genes and may just swim away, landing somewhere else and f*cking that up too.

Equally, inviting Putin to carry out a full scale novachuk trial in Hull is appealing but it may not be totally effective on such simple, limited beings of the kind that live, smoke, drink and breed there. The nuclear option has its fans but controlling the fallout is difficult – don’t want to destroy nice places like Beverley. Hence dear reader I am inviting you to come up with your own imaginative ways of dealing with the Hull problem. The best ideas will win a prize – a day in Hull to put your masterplan into place! See if you can stand it for more than two and a half hours!

Good Luck!