Edgeley, possibly one of the Metropolitan Borough of Stockport’s most overlooked suburbs, despite housing both it’s train station and it’s high quality football team. The Wikipedia definition of Edgeley states it is a suburb “made up of council estates and Victorian terrace houses”. This is very close minded and factually incorrect. It also has a “Shopping Centre” (or to the locals, ‘Castle Street’). Edgeley Shopping Centre is the heart of our community, a hub of activity and THE place to be on a Friday or Saturday night. That is, if the activity you want to participate in base pleasures and your idea of a good Friday night consists of a greasy kebab from Mustaphs and a few rounds of scummy ale in The Pineapple (or P3 as it’s affectionately known, taking it’s nickname from the loony ward at the local hospital).
Edgeley Shopping Centre consists of nothing more than s**t pubs, s**t takeaways, s**t charity shops and a s**t frozen food shop. It did have an Ethel Austin’s, but it had a flood. Shame.
Night life in Edgeley is not to be rivalled. The Shopping Centre is home to around 7453 public houses, and more takeaways than you can shake a stick at. Not all pubs are horrendous, but the best you’re going to get is a sticky carpet, broken toilet and a doggy smelling glass. But, in no circumstances is it acceptable to enter The Pineapple. P3, so nicknamed due to the utter hooligans and, most probably, inbred drinkers within it’s doors, is a place to be avoided at all cost, unless you yourself are an inbred hooligan who doesn’t mind watching old men touching up their own offspring (genuine conversation overheard in P3 – “look at that bloke with his hand up that birds skirt” “yeah, don’t worry, it’s only his daughter”).
The Pineapple produces a vague scent of urine whenever you walk by, and you can often find young children (allegedly) chained to the drainpipe outside whilst their parents are busy getting smashed on lager that tastes like out of date piss. When you’ve enjoyed your pint in P3, you might be feeling a bit peckish. But do not fear!
Edgeley Shopping Centre is home to approximately 94 takeaways. Whether you fancy chicken, pizza, kebab, Indian, Chinese or fish, there is a takeaway for you! Chunky Chicken, now famed for being the only takeaway in Stockport which opens at 10am and being the highest ranking takeout on Trip Advisors lift of chicken joints in the UK (see The Sun article, circa December 2014), was once one of 2 restaurants in Stockport with a food hygiene rating of zero. It claims to have fixed this**.
Our other treasured chicken eatery, ‘Castle Fried Chicken’ is Edgeley’s answer to KFC, with owner Ali being the Colonel Sanders of Stockport, owning three chicken places in the borough. Despite being a firm favourite amongst the Edgeley locals, Castle Fried Chicken does have a history of violence, after a worker reportedly hit two men over the head with a doner kebab (*allegedly).
After your night out in Edgeley town, you will no doubt want to move to the area as it is so fabulous. You now have a choice of council estate or tiny terrace. The council estate is a vision of orange pebble dash and graffiti. You can often find the native c**v perched on the steps, drinking Aldi’s version if Strongbow and yelling abuse at passers by. You may also be lucky enough to sight the infamous rabies ridden dog, who roams the streets of Edgeley and neighbouring Higher Brinksway, attacking local cats, and occasionally people.
The surrounding terraces are not much better, with the same issues of c***s and rabid animals. In some senses it may be better to live on the estate, as the houses are warm and if a respectable size, whereas the terraces are tiny, damp, draughty, and unfortunately are not sound proof. Either way, the early morning (actually, late morning, noon, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening) vision of women in their dressing gowns smoking on street corners is unavoidable.
Now, when you have moved into your lovely new pebble dash home, next door to Frank Gallagher, with your very own cannabis factory in the shed, you may be wondering what to do with yourself when you’re not drinking White Lightening or doing wheelies on your Argos bike through the estate. Edgeley is a cultural hub, home to “the blue white army”, Stockport County FC, “by far the best team the world has ever seen”. Maybe not. Always a good day out, laughing at the pitiful team whilst enjoying a lukewarm Bovril and a hot dog made from humans (*not true, they’re made from mashed up Dalmatians… that’s probably not true as well).
If football isn’t your scene, then you can take a stroll around the picturesque Alexandra Park. Here you can enjoy a stroll around the reservoir, taking in it’s fishy smell and the empty crisp packets floating between the squawking ducks. A boy once died in the reservoir. Do avoid the park at night, though, as the native c**v takes to the children’s play area to continue their activity of drinking and smoking and yelling abuse.
Do not worry about crime in Edgeley, we only average at around one murder a week here. We have seen a diverse range of crimes over the years, from a brutal decapitation on Hollywood park, to gang rape on the council estate, with armed robberies at the local chemist in between. Never a dull day in Edgeley!
Now, no doubt all if this has persuaded you to move here straight away! Ha. Ha. Ha. Stay away from Edgeley, unless you want to spend your life surrounded my illiterate s**m in Donnay socks and want to end your days floating face down in a reservoir that smells like the fish counter at Tesco.
* inserted for legal reasons
** 2 June 2014 was rated 4/5