Welcome to Skelmersdale. A town that will re-arrange your internal organs with its never-ending roundabouts and you will be lucky if you can emerge from a simple children’s playground with your spinal cord intact.
Seriously though, Skelmersdale is perhaps one of the worst towns in Britain. This is because you have your three major areas. Birch Green -Drug dealers and prostitution, Tanhouse – Drug dealers, prostitution and drunken teenagers, Digmoor – Drug dealers, prostitution, drug dealers, drunken teenagers and gang wars. Well there is one more major area. Ashurst, only that place is actually sort of nice. You have an outstanding school there and plenty of kind respectful people.
So what is Skelmersdale’s education SHITStem like hmm? Let me put it this way, you know things are bad when a school who got a measly good rating on an OFSTED report has to turn away 180 kids a year and accept far more than the school is even capable of handling. There are about 35 kids to a class there and that means that even if you wear a f*cking hazmat suit chances are, someone is gonna rip it off your head and cough right in your face for a laugh. That is kind of delightful person that is going to populate the next generation in our town, folks.
Now lets talk about the entertainment options. You basically have two choices. Watch the fighting down at your friendly local play area in the evenings ( Beef is basically synonymous with death at this point) or you could gather with your drunk uncle David and his 10 kids or with your Mum Dad sisters and brothers for an exciting evening at the Concourse Christmas lights switch on. With such fun festive activities like paying 2 pounds to a toothless man that smells suspiciously like crack cocaine for a 1 minute ride, but you don’t ask him for longer in case he rips your head off and snorts coke off it. Once the vendors and ride operators have sucked you dry of November’s pay cheque and spent it all on class A for their little toddlers (they grow up fast these days you know), you can watch someone who claims to be a Celebrity, switch on lights that are probably going to explode right under your feet. Oh, you can also go and be very offensive and go round the Concourse yelling Allahu Ackbar, to hospitalise all the old dears shopping there.
And now it is time for the worst part of Skem ladies and gents… THE PEOPLE!!!!
Oh the joy of talking to a Skelmersdalian teenager. In fact here is a conversation simulated for you.
****: Oi lad we need some dosh for weed and you are gonna give it to us.
Me: No I am not
****: If you don’t we are gonna rob you
Later that evening my body was found in the McDonalds bin. Oh and that leads me on to another thing, **** Central. AKA the local McDonalds. You know I was just sitting there eating some chicken McNuggets™ in the restaurant as you do when a small army of ***** and ********* walked in. They took up five tables and of course one **** just sat there drawing his cap down his eyes.