Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Devon, South West, United Kingdom

Delightful seaside town with a nasty ‘jekyll & hyde’ personality, seasonally dependant on hordes of grimy chav brummies and other northern undesirables who swarm in their vans and crewcab pickups down the M5 and clog up the nearest golden sandy Devon beach to the bloated crusty pile that is Middle ChavLand.

Exmouth is a town whose very commercial existence depends on the seasonal influx of Chavs. Yes, that’s right – we’re all “Chav whores”. Face it, during the winter months, Exmouth is triffic. A big reputation as a small party town with more bars & clubs than phone boxes, the only grimy side to the windswept two miles of golden sandy beach are the golden sandy retrievers who crap all over the beach, cheerfully egged on by their laughing owners. At least the tide washes all the doggy doodoo out to sea twice a day. All this bucolic jollity comes to a halt in June, when the Chavs start dribbling in, at predictable as the tide but far less useful.

There’s a huge transit camp for Chavs to the east of the town called (originally enough) “Sandy Bay” where hundreds of white static caravans litter a once green and pleasant hillside. From far out to see, the Camp looks like a pile of white maggots. Maggots become Flies and fly off. Pity Sandy Bay doesn’t oblige. The road to the town becomes clogged like pie-addict’s arteries with this human sludge, and slow moving groups of these zombies swirl and choke the town centre. This human litter just overspills the town, like they overspill their waitbands, and lie festering on the beach in the sun, decomposing slowly. Smells like that, anyway. The town sewerage system breaks down by August and it isn’t until the Autumn rains start washing out the instant barbies on a regular basis that the flow reverses and they all chug back to the midlands.

This seasonal flow, though ghastly, does leave it’s year long effects. There’s a small but annoying smear of chavvery that lives here all year. They can be seen mainly on the seafront, at night, in cars that would shame a scrap yard. A few dozen Novas, decrepit hatchbacks and Subarus rumble up and down, thumping noises (either they are oblivious to musical taste or their big ends have gone- take your pick) fill the air.

The sad thing is, no matter how much plastic they rivet to the bodywork, or how many blue lights they plug in, they cannot disguise their “FreeAdz Banger” as an Urban Spacecraft. How can I tell? When Luke Skywalker made the jump to lightspeed, he didn’t leave a pile of KFC boxes behind.

So if you want to visit this ‘Pearl in the passage of the Jurassic Coast’, best do it in the winter, when only the locals are annoying. And bring a big gun with you. Plenty of Chavosaurus need to catch up with evolution and disappear from the planet. Good hunting.


  • King of zeus’s 17

    Your grammar is the worst grammar i have ever read.

  • King of zeus’s 17

    It is an awful and vile place to live, it is the GHETTO.

  • King of zeus’s 17

    UUhhh, i come from Exmouth and i am not a chav, i am a formal descent person. But your comment is the most stupid comment i have ever heard in my life time. The amount of chavs in Exmouth is horrible, vile and disgusting basically something that crawled out of the drains at night and started to cause chaos in the streets of Exmouth. They mostly hang around KFC (that discusting place that is not healthy) and arcade amusments known as there chavy layer. Thing is i have moved out of there and went to the US to start a living and future of designing products for a company. But you are a total idiot with a bad attitude, do you have HDHD or something? because you sound like a right drugged up imbecile. Grow a pare of balls and act like a grown up adult. I don’t know where the hell you evil abominations came from, but i suggest you crawl back down does drains and keep you’re vile behaviour psycho illness to yourself.

  • @ badmofu

    “the 26a chav gang are comming down 2 take all of u”

    “the 26a chav gang” Presumably that’s named for the number of your council flat, and the gang is composed of you, 15 brothers, 10 fathers, several staffordshire bull terriers, your sister and your mum (same person).

  • @badmofu, I mean xD

  • Ahahahaha! Case in point! xD

  • Sarah

    Haha! Thats Brilliant.

  • alcockell

    I remember dealing with some of them when on duty down at the Beach First Aid Post… yep – a chavvy place…

  • growupchav

    case closed

  • badmofu

    who do u think u are u little skank . im the chav in white and the exmout and exeter towny u little f**k . why dont u come 2 da city and get yor head stamped on becouse 2 of us ust 2 live in exmouth u slimy little ho. have u eva herd the last 2 names of eamzy and saunders cuz theve changed in 2 2 little sh*ts that gos round kicking the sh*t out of peaple like u . the 26a chav gang are comming down 2 take all of u grungin geeks out and are 2 top boys eamzy and saunders are comming 2 kill u little mummbling goffic f**ks.