A coastal leisure town for pregnant teenagers, junkies and nerks. A place where you can wear your display your ASBO with pride! Aaah. Herne Bay. The sign says “Coastal Leisure Town” and lures the unwary traveller in with promises of a beach and other leisure attractions such as a swimming pool and a bandstand.
Come and sample the delights of the sea front littered with the remnants of last night’s chav piss-up. Be sure to pay a visit to the sea front arcades, the only place to be seen for any self respecting chav. Then move on to the thriving commercial center of “The Bay” – Mortimer Street. Gaze in awe and wonder at the £1 shops stretching as far as the eye can see. See the convoys of teenage mothers making their way to the post office for their benefit payments. You should not miss the Job Center either, where all of Herne Bay’s hopeful unemployed eagerly seek work in supermarkets and fast food outlets. Then visit Safeways where *every* Herne Bay teen will put their education to good use stacking shelves and collecting trollies. If you’re lucky enough to visit Herne Bay on a Saturday you can see the market where Herne Bay’s population gather to barter for the latest tracksuit fashions and bootleg CDs.
Take a stroll down the High Street. Have you ever seen such happy people? Throngs of bedraggled Bay folk shuffle aimlessly around the town, hollow eyed, devoid of any hope, ambition or intelligence. Be sure to visit Sea Street too, where every p***y hopes to one day live in one of the luxurious council houses with a scenic view of the gas holder and Wahl dildo factory.
Take a stroll through the park, but don’t take your wallet or any valuables because you’ll get mugged and beaten by the local youth.
If you’re still enthralled by Herne Bay take a journey up Mickleburgh Hill, home to many spastics. Carry on up the hill and you’ll find Beltinge. This was once a nice quiet part of town populated by retired folk looking to live out their twilight years in peace and quiet. Not any more. A new housing development has bought a whole new breed of up market “chav on a scooter”. Every night you can watch these chav speed demons race their scooters up and down Osborne Gardens. Oh how I wish they would crash and burn.
If you are extremely lucky you will come across the mythical Herne Bay policeman. Rumour has it many years ago there were two policemen to patrol this entire town and one day they will return to reclaim our town from the chav and p***y. Personally I think you’ve got more chance of seeing Elvis and Lord Lucan spit roasting Princess Diana outside the bus station