Erdington, the u-bend in the toilet of North Birmingham

Living in Erdington, Birmingham

Hot on the trainer-heels of Kingstanding is the delightful suburb of ERDINGTON, the u-bend in the toilet of North Birmingham. Allow me to take you on a journey through this green and putrid land.

Park your stolen car anyway near Six-Ways-to-get-mugged Island. Try and park half on the kerb, to ensure maximum annoyance to anyone with a wheelchair or pushchair. Even better, display your blue disabled badge and stroll on with no problem whatsoever.

When you reach the shopping centre, do not under any circumstances use the crossing. Simply vault over the railings three feet away, which affords you a head start in the queue at the 99p chip shop. Take care to spit vigorously upon entering and leaving the chip shop, and ensure that your companions also have food for the journey. Check on their welfare by saying “Safe” every few words.

How grim is your Postcode?

Bythe time the chips have gone (shared with Wayne, Dwayne, Kane and Shane), you will be in site of the DSS. Do not be alarmed – they are there to help perpetuate your lifestyle. Pop in and let them know that you have no intention of working in the next fortnight, and they will do the rest. Don’t forget to thank the staff by spitting at them – they are there for your benefit, after all.

Safely signed on, call in at the Feller pub. This opens at 10am, when you should still be in bed. Congratulate yourself on your active lifestyle with a pint and a game of pool.

Now it’s time for Bulk, a discount heaven. *** still in mouth, walk round and remark on the increasing cost of stuff in shops. Why bother with household gear when that 99p can get you a double cheeseburger? Thieving ********, these shops.

Quick look in B&M Bargains, more chips at Michaela’s Plaice, then drinks and scuffles in the Roebuck – the creme de la creme of dolehead pubs. Finally, go thieving in the Co-op, and scowl at anybody who looks at you like you’re a piece of benefit-dependent feckless scumag layabout.

You know it makes sense.