The Honest Travel Guide to Edinburgh

Living in Edinburgh, Scotland

The centre of Edinburgh functions as a Scottish themed Disney land tourist trap, serving up popular Scottish myths. Having no other value than fleecing foreign tourists, there are 5 B&Bs, 2 youth hostels and a hotel on every street with a ready supply of bullshit and marketing this became the sole industry of the city.  Major exports include tartan bonnets, green nessies, shortbread in a tin, I Love Scotland T-shirts, depression in a jar and STDs.

Edinburgh is a city of extremes, while being surrounded with a ring of council estates, the centre of Edinburgh is vibrantly multicultural and cosmopolitan with tourists and foreign hospitality staff who are here because they have a warrant for their arrest in their home EU countries. The tourist is easy to spot in Edinburgh as they are the only good looking people to be found in the city. The city centre is fractured and broken with no community, but offers many opportunities to speak Polish, Lithuanian, Latvian, Estonian, Spanish, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian, Albanian or any language you can think of except English which is frowned upon.

Edinburgh’s city dwellers remain isolated into their own racial, cultural, and linguistic groups staying only briefly to distract and waste everybody else’s time, until their money is spent, the boredom finally hits them or a hotelier somewhere offers them an extra 50p on top of their £5 an hour.

How grim is your Postcode?

Edinburgh used to be a proper laugh, but there’s too many pretentious w*nkers living there now, with their poncey wine bars and who think that a couple of shandies, and some civilised conversation was “an absolutely wiiild night out daaarling”. Notice that they never venture into the locals pubs, coz they know they’d get a proper kicking.

For the local resident, life in Edinburgh is the closest you can get to being dead. The Edinbugger saps all life from you, unlike Glasgow, they will instead assault you with an infectious boredom. Edinbuggers or “Gods frozen people” are the most unfriendly in Scotland. As they say in Glasgow “You can have more fun at a Glasgow funeral than an Edinburgh wedding”.

Thirty brothels/saunas operate in the city offering some of the only gainful employment to the stupid locals. 11% of the brothel/sauna employees are infected with HIV (NHS study) and this will only set you back £50 if you would like to sample any of the latest mutations. The indigenous population believing themselves to be Scots are actually descended from the Germanic Angles and share many of the same qualities – boring, soulless and ugly as sin, yet somehow maintaining the belief they are better than everyone else including the highland Scots and the English. Many an Edinbugger will use the word Sassenach to insult the English (a highland Scots word to describe lowland Scots) not realising they are insulting themselves.

Many Edinbuggers owing to their rampant racism for all things English and generally everything else want independence, not realising they are part of the EU not realising the Scottish Parliament was intended for the UK by the EU a plan of divide and conquer and Alex Salmond having sold out to the EU in his own SNP manifesto a long time ago (can Edinbuggers read?). The EU fourth Reich will then be in a better position to take them for all they are worth as they have done with Greece, Portugal, Ireland etc.

Edinburgh “The Athens of the north”

Edinburgh “The Reykjavik of the south”

Every summer Edinburgh has a festival for amateur “comedians” and expressive interpretive ironic dance comedy cabaret for men in leotards. Many local residents attending these “comedy” shows sober have as a result suffered extreme post traumatic stress disorder. The sound of the forced laughter of a room of Edinburgh University for the Mentally Challenged guardian reading students laughing at multi-ethnic politically correct satirical topical “comedy” from a Muslim saying he wanted to **** Jews amongst other things, is still in my head.

Edinburgh allegedly has the most corrupt council in Britain; the council allegedly run sports centre facilities are more expensive than the 5 star facilities at the Sheraton Grand Hotel and Spa on Lothian road. The tram project costs are now approaching those of the Russian space program and have now been taken over by the Scottish government as if they weren’t in on the scam in the first place.

Some facts about Edinburgh:

  • Edinburgh hates you.
  • The local dialect is known as the Edinburgh **** an indecipherable language to anyone from outside Edinburgh this is a result of **********. The locals couldn’t speak English if they tried.
  • The belief of incomers that ‘there must be something in the water’ is true there is. The Galton Institute is working hard to alleviate the problem.
  • Edinburgh castle is now owned by Alex Salmond (not really true) who intends to use it as his base for doing Scottish stuff in and as a lookout for attacking English.