Edenbridge: ruined by riffraff

Living in Edenbridge, Kent
Living in Edenbridge, Kent

Edenbridge: ruined by riffraff

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Someone once had a great idea that rather than solve the inner city lack of council housing by rejuvenating derelict pockets in London, because mainly they couldn’t be arsed and wanted to offload the old bigoted flat cap cockney, they decided to spill over the riffraff and insert them into the newly built concrete country jungles. There were of course, some good people but a generation later their off-spring would be setting new lows for educational achievement. I proudly bring you the beautifully, but ironically named, town of Edenbridge.

Edenbridge was one of those unfortunate places where certain regrettable things would come to pass. Allow me to give you a brief history of time. Just prior to the moment the Greater London Council spill over happened Edenbridge was just a sleepy town with church loving, pious cake-baking busy bodies who lived in a bubble of ultra conservatism. When the new c**v’s moved in they were ‘appropriately and suitably’ ignored as the indigenous population preferred to pretend they didn’t exist. Slowly though they were accepted into Edenbridge life and facilities and amenities were provided to keep them, relatively, in check.

Around about the late 90’s when after reluctant acceptance by the indigenous worshippers was all but accepted a new population moved in, well kind of moved in, kind of just decided to occupy a site to the south of the town.

Thus began a new era of the “lovely travelling folk”. So poor old Edenbridge had council occupants to the north and “lovely travelling folk” to the south. The indigenous population became trapped in the middle. Pretty soon a ‘trade’ was established between the north and south. The central populous became trapped and the town began to lose its remaining innocence. What made it worse was that the town councillor’s morphed into Emu’s. The GLC spill over to the north became a police helicopter surveillance training ground and the “lovely travelling folk” to the south became a high speed police road pursuit training programme [allegedly, as we all know they are 100% law abiding drivers who can’t be criticised in any way].

The High Street has now more takeaways and hairdressers than Blackpool combined. The town councillor’s rather than confront the issues at hand hide in their grade II listed building handing out garden refuge sacks and batting away resident complaints of F1 high speed shenanigans from 12 year old kids driving 4×4’s down the high street. Edenbridge holds the Guinness Book of world records for the most amount of shop lifting from a children’s charity shop. They had 18 thefts in one week. Beat that Northerners!

Coke is readily available in the back of most pubs and because we don’t have a police presence, thanks to the Conservative Party cuts, drugs are freely and readily available here. Come fill yer boots. This town is the modern day equivalent of Carson City. Welcome to Edenbridge, once beautiful now completely ruined by government.


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