Posted by & filed under East Anglia, Herefordshire, United Kingdom.

From birth, the people of Hemel Hempstead are given no chance! Until recently the two local hospitals which supported childbirth where St.albans and Luton, which are hardly chav free zones, you enter any of these hospitals you will find chavs who have been battered and bruised (not always a bad thing) and chavettes who are in labour 9 months after there first period, seriously, the only people with more than 1 braincell in these places are the expectant mothers, and there other braincell is only tempary. But after the ordeal of birth and the newly made mother staring at her bundle of joy/jail bait and then flicking on hollyoaks you have the children starting primary school.

Oh woaw what a choice. Woodhall farm (the area i was raised) homes two primary schools. The largest one being holtsmere end. This place has more pikeys than a car boot sale and more lice than peter andre’s nutsack. But if that doesn’t quite sound to the standard of your sprog there is an alternative. Brockswood. My old school, where the residents of local caravan site attend, where they do not bother with teaching but just fiddle your sats results later. And after school you have the parents swarming outside all with there cigarettes and new borns, but you will only see these parents picking there little darlings up if the parents have actually finished school themselfs.

Then we move to the senior schools. again. what a choice, a choice of 6 schools all with very different qualitys. 3 of these schools are not that bad.

JFK- catholic school

Hemel Hempstead – All rounder, very adverage

Cavendish – Sports college

then we get onto the other 3

longdene – where the students are (in my view) as thick as Susan XXXXX’s pubic hair, they are however quite harmless, half of them allegedly dont speak much english and the other are (in my view) still slower than a row boat team with no arms.




Astley Cooper – The arsehole of the education system. Try and drive past this school in the winter without being pelted with rocks coverered in snow, or even try and walk past without getting high on the fumes of the joint the 6 students are all sharing. this school is the training ground of drug dealers and battered girlfriends. They may not leave school with GCSE’s, but the boys will leave with an ASBO and a CSA bill and the girls will leave with a baby in there womb and there friends left in suspence of what colour it will come out. its not all bad though,  living in grovehill is a free ticket to never do a days work and get a free council house, and if you cant figure out what to spend you DLA on then the henry wells square is inspirational

Henry wells square – wow… what mother f**ker thought this up, you have a very high ratio of unemployment, alcohol and drug use, benefit thieves and incredably young parents. How do you fix this problem? By putting a shopping centre in the middle of it! And what a centre! You have 2 pubs? A florest selling equipment to grow your own plants?? A liquer store??? And a car parts store so you can sup up your nova the way you have always wanted!!! WHAT THE f**k HEMEL??? THIS IS LIKE PUTTING A MCDONALDS IN A FAT CAMP!!! THESE PEOPLE DO NOT NEED MORE WAYS TO GET TANKED!!! THEY NEED A BASIC FOOD SHOP, A CHARITY SHOP AND POSSIBLY A NEWS AGENTS SO AS THEY CAN SEE IF THERE GRAFITTI ON A LOCAL SHOP MADE IT IN TO THE HEROLD EXPRESS!!! Grovehill is truly the worst design since neon strips you can stick under your car. Nuke it.

The town centre is a fantastic place! You name any cheap takaway we got it! Pizza hut, Dominos, Mcdonalds, KFC, Burger King, Subway, Greggs, its all there! We got the civic centre so you can claim all your benefits such as your DLA for your bad back, only 4 more payments till you can get that moped. The college, for those who fail school, the health centre with a great poster saying come here for free condoms and the morning after pill, you will be supplied with either even if you are under 16. You of course have all your sports shops, 3 pound shops and a ton of cheap clothes shops, including “2good2be true” with the famous shirts costing at only 50p and sandersons, a shop selling bongs, crack pipes, cheap munchfood, energy drinks, and anything a drug user could ever need, yet, police completly ignore this shop and the obvious intentions of the clientel.

Then we move onto leisure world, which i have never read a review on here which hasn’t mentioned. This place is the chav breeding ground, it has probley had more children concieved behind it than johnny vagas has had hot dinners. This place really is a s**thole, it is in jarmans park which has 3 main buildings. Leisure world, Mcdonalds, Tescos. So poured into the mixture you have Tescos supplying cheap drink, Mcdonalds catering, and Leisure world giving the s**t music, shelter and condom machines. So you can imagine what it is like in there. I have been there many times due to the cinema, and on waiting to be picked up it is not uncomman 2 see girls who look pre-pubesent dressed as what can only be described as 4 foot tall prostitutes getting into cars with much older men who drive behind the building for 10 minutes or so before dropping them back infront of the neon sign. If you go there and listen, see if you can go 30 seconds without hearing f**k, c**t and s**t, spend a night there and watch how many fights break out, the bouncers are more useless than a condom machine in the vatican and are more interested hitting on the younger girls. This place is where all the [REMOVED] from adeyfield come 2 meet there dream man, sad thing is, none of them have noticed that not a single guy in a nova and a track suite who f**ks them before learning there name ever calls back. Unfortunatly, live in hemel this is your life, the council are doing something about this though. They have just opened a new club called the function rooms and are closing the hospital. I guess there leaving natural selection 2 wipe of this plague we call the chav.

  • Bob

    I have to work in Hemel, it’s a s**t hole!

  • Hemelite

    although your grammar is poor to say the least. Hemel is and always be the arse end of civilisation! you failed to mention the kid that runs around shouting abuse at people, he well worth a visit to the town centre. I’ve lived in Hemel (cupid pub), Clapham, and Hackney to name a few but by far is Hemel the worst. most people have an IQ equal to a rat and the looks of a turd. The only town where the local ducks are the most intelligent species. The one saving grace for Hemel is the restaurant Chiqueen like Nandos but better amazing food!

  • Ted

    I know this is supposed be satire but I have a serious point. Hemel is a unfriendly town, souless estates with no community. Soon I will retire and we will leave.

  • Diddydoo

    I live in Woodall farm, Hemel and its a lovely place! Also, the students at Longdean aren’t thick, I went to Longdean and I’m now 18 years old on £18,000 a year. You make me laugh!

  • Derek

    I grew up in Chaulden and left through my job 22 years ago. I still have family in Hemel,so visit every now and then.Hemel is certainly no worse than many town that I have lived in across the UK,think the first author is clearly talking about themselves,really needs to get a life,get a job and move out of Hemel.Its clearly scum like this who are briningthe the town down.

  • Oxfez

    FIRSTLY – If you’re going to write an expert treatise denigrating a town’s education system, with a specific focus on English, don’t write sentences like: “…a free chlamidyia test and the ammount of possitive results was staggering”, as that is stupidity at its worst. The author should at least attempt to use a bit of thought, wit and creativity, or at least a spellchecker. At least the word ‘chlamidyia“ showed a bit of effort.

    SECONDLY – If you’re going to write sentences like: “…see if you can go 30 seconds without hearing f**k, c**t and s**t.”, and devote several paragraphs to questioning the town’s moral standing, then don’t litter your article with words like f**k and s**t. Because that makes you look like a hypocrite and a general f**king s**t. Unless you were being ironic of course. Which is pretty unlikely.

    LASTLY – Hemel has its problems, but so does every town. It’s really not that bad. Struggling with council and Government cuts is not the fault of the inhabitants. Having this much anger about a place says more about the author than it does Hemel. Based on points one and two, I’d say that the sort of person the author really has a problem with, i.e. the foul-mouthed, illiterate morons, is the person who looks back at them in the mirror.

  • Grammer police


    I’m going to say it – Hemel is NOT that bad. Having been brought up in Croydon (that’s south of the river Thames for those too scared to leave Hertfordshire) I can honestly say that you are very lucky.

    My mum still lives in Croydon and her local newspaper is full of stabbings and shootings. Sure, Hemel does have its small town mentality – but it doesn’t have anywhere near as many drugs, gangs and crime as people living in Hemel would have you believe.

    To be honest – I don’t think you, as the writer of this article, has had much life experience (or education by the looks of your spelling and grammar) – now you could blame this on your school (the one you bad mouthed…) after all – it has to be their fault that you have a bad attitude.. or you could just count yourself lucky that at your school people weren’t stabbed to death n the playground. My teachers used to have to accompany us through the streets of Croydon to prevent other schools from throwing rocks and stones at us…

    Don’t knock your roots – they are actually okay – and you can either thrive and learn from your life experiences – or you can whine and moan and belittle the town that is actually okay and not such a bad place to live…

  • EG

    I live in Boxmoor, and frankly think its a great place to live – best of both worlds scenery and actual amenities (coming from Norfolk it is nice to have both). The lower echelons of society live everywhere nowadays lets be honest aided and abetted by the governments benefits system, and any town has nice areas and less celubrious ones. Think you a bit biased, what you actually mean in general is that the scummy parts are horrid which they are, but ignore the nicer elements of the town.

  • Lyn

    This is so true! I was born and bred there, moved away as I did not want my own children growing up in the same sh*t hole!
    Good old Hemel!! lol!….place will never change !

    • Me

      Much better place now you are gone Lyn!!!

  • Nick Green


    Typical, the writer has no grasp of English with poor grammar litering the piece-must have gone to one of poorer schools mentioned!!

    I was born and raised in HH but thankfully moved away many, many years ago.

    HH is no better or worse than any of the post war towns built in the London commuter belt, but does have a history going back to Roman times. I enjoyed my time there back in the day.