Peterborough – you shouldn’t be that close to your cousin

Living in Peterborough, Cambridgeshire
Living in Peterborough, Cambridgeshire

Peterborough – you shouldn’t be that close to your cousin

CambridgeshireEast AngliaPic Via

It is truly difficult to convey how mentally challenged the average Peterborian is. There are small pockets of intelligence and culture dotted around the city but these are rightly mocked, attacked and pushed to the margins. The city voted heavily for Brexit and the vast majority of inhabitants believe any woe in their life can be attributed to Schrödinger’s Immigrant, the city is seemingly overrun by people too lazy to work who are also simultaneously stealing your job. Point this out or have any compassion and you’re a lefty, libtard, snowflake, traitor elite said in furious capitals to the background music of Nigel Farage furiously ransacking his dignity.

Night time is perilous, particularly if you head to the indigenous rutting areas like the local Wetherspoons, the College Arms. I have been denied entry for seemingly [and mistakenly] not understanding the local code [which isn’t enforced at any Wetherspoons]:

  • I hadn’t pissed myself
  • I didn’t have a visible STD
  • I wouldn’t dry hump my own cousin
  • My teeth exist
  • I wore shoes

The bouncer was incredibly excited by this achievement until we happily left to drink in one of the few places that doesn’t just [allegedly and by that we mean legally definitely doesn’t] sell Carling and herpes.

It is full of friendly folk, I can recall a time I was called ‘gay’ by a passerby. The only clue to my apparent gayness was the fact I was holding a book. I worry what might have happened if the tribesmen were aware that I was able to read it.

The local newspaper, the Evening Telegraph [definitely doesn’t] spend all of its time stirring up racial hatred. A cursory glance on their Facebook page comments section shows any reported crime is followed by a [alleged] lynch mob of backward keyboard warriors, clamouring for the perpetrator to be ‘sent home’, regardless whether that home is Paston or Poland. Followers of UKIP wander around with visibly pitched tents. The ET will also [not] do all it can to run down anyone attempting to improve the city, you’re a teacher? All the schools suck and you’re not raising other peoples kids well enough. You’re a Doctor/Nurse? It’s your fault that the average Male Peterborian is too chunky to see his own member. You like art? F**k you, it’s a waste of money having anything cultural. [Yes, The Evening Telegraph definitely doesn’t do this sort of thing].

It has a history of waves of immigration which could have made it rich, cultural diverse and modern city. Instead the local people (who almost certainly a generation ago moved here but let’s ignore that) of this fair city complain that immigrants make no attempt at integration whilst being as welcoming as a punch to the ball sack. The only reason people end up staying, is after a couple of trips to the city centre the life is drained from anyone and you can easily forget that there is life beyond the crappy ring road.

The saving grace is that it has excellent transport links leaving the city to go somewhere else, which most intelligent people do.


Top 10 worst places to live in England 2019