When we first moved on to the Racecourse Estate in Northolt it was a sunny day but we were greeted by 2 women threatening each other, not the welcome to your new flat we hoped for but it was only going to get worse. To the naked eye you could mistake some parts of this place as being on Earth and not some demon filled nightmare level for some PS4 game, there are fields and trees with birds a tweeting, but to hear the birds you have to try and ignore the constant sound of Police, ambulance and fire engines roaring about the place.
The place is also plumbed with hot and cold running drug dealers who saunter past the rows of blocks hoping that the ever so rare creature known as a Police Man does not see them. They can rest safe, the Police come up here on bikes and pedal past fights, incapacitated druggies and any gang turf war. Let’s not say there’s no entertainment around here, hell no, every night is flooded with India 99 constantly circling the estate.
There used to be a nightly floor show of burning out cars and stolen bikes on the fields but that is rare now. I would say it was down to people protecting themselves and their kids but around here, the sign of a burning car was time to get the family out and stand around it like a weird bonfire night (complete with explosions). Personally I think it stopped because the joy riders ran out of cars to nick.
We do have a playground for people to hang around in but we didn’t expect that to mean it quite so literally. We were greeted early on by a dead Polish child ******* from the monkey bars, can’t quite work out what game he was playing but it’s not one I remember from my childhood. Why have one dead body when you have two for the same price? Yet another Eastern European person was found dead a while later in the next field, his cause of death, living around here I guess.
Not everyone is dead around here, although via drink and drugs they are giving it their best go, but no we have rapists and child molestors. We believe in a classier clientele in this area. Yes, we have our own state-sponsored rapist here, little did I know this when my daughter played with his daughter in his house nor were we prepared for a local nonce to take an interest in my daughter and another girl, when caught the Policeman told me “oh, he’s known to us but not for this sort of stuff” as if I’d helped broaden the man’s work ethic. As for the people, it’s a vast melting pot of colours and creeds which should be a good thing except almost everyone distrusts the next person so you get area’s that have almost masked themselves off from their neighbours unless they are their type of neighbours. It saddens me as a mixed race family but that seems to be the way here.
Also sad to see are the youth here. It’s almost a prerequisite to become involved in the drug gangs with clear evidence that its a trait handed down from whatever parents there are. You just look out your window and there the mass of low slung pants wearing morons with their Nike man bag which seems like a uniform item. I guess you have to have a proper bag to carry your stash of class A in no bum bags for these boys, its against the rules Bruv. These ner’do’wells can be seen herded around the local pizza place smoking half their baggies of skunk making the place smell like sh*t. Should you be a real 4 legged rat then your luck is in, just follow these boys with their chips and pizza box because you will be guaranteed to find it tossed on the road with what they don’t want inside, a veritable feast for our rat colony.
Our locals do like to play games and entertain themselves. One game is mug the old person, they like that one, they play that all the time. Another fave is the good old fashioned break in to your house and loot it, very much a crowd pleaser that one, well if you are part of their crowd. I think their most fun one is bringing their steroid enhanced rottweiler (all the rage with the druggies) and leave it to piss, sh*t and destroy tree branches in the area and blinding for a little bit of intimidation…..You know you love it!
So there we are, I’m sure it’s now one of your places you want to move to, I feel I may have done many an estate agent proud with my loving description of this fine area. I’ve lived in Hackney growing up, Ilford, Clapham and Chiswick but this estate reeks of the sort of sophistication that only a freshly dropped **** could give….As Judith Chalmers used to say “Wish you were here”.
Northolt is twinned with Hayes and the two deserve each other
Dartford: once a thriving market town, now in decline
West Hendon – A greyer shade of grey
Hackney – Be careful what you wish for…
Elephant and Castle – Yep, you’ve got off at the wrong stop.
Hammersmith and Fulham one big awful hole
Shepherd’s Bush: the red-headed stepchild that thought it was special
Earl’s Court, London
Wealdstone really is the ******** of Harrow