Manchester: A Chavy, Crime-ridden Blister With Ideas Above its Station

Living in Manchester

I’ve been working and living in Manchester now for the last 3 years and thankfully I’m finally getting the hell out with a long awaited transfer back down to London. Thank thee lord!!

What can I say about Manchester? The ***** here really are something else. Manchester is a city with the highest rate of robbery in the UK and one of the highest in the western world. The ***** are so hard working in this ex mill town that a house is burgled, a person mugged, and a car torched every few minutes of the day. If you’ve ever spent any time with a Manc this will probably come as some surprise to you. You will have heard the crass and nauseating stories about how great the place is. The Manc journalists in the media will make you believe Manchester has become the New Jerusalem, a centre of regeneration and the northern capital!

Don’t be fooled for one second, and take this from someone who has lived here for 3 years and has a very open mind (being from north London originally.) Manchester has developed a few ugly tower blocks in its centre along with a tatty tram system and they suddenly think they are rivalling world cities such as London and Barcelona. It is laughable. The city is ugly and souless; violent crime and robbery are spiralling, and as ever, the streets are littered with cat **** and chippy wrappers, blowing around under grey skies.

How grim is your Postcode?

It’s not until you spend any length of time with the people that you realise just how deluded they really are. They think Oasis and Simply Red has made them a culture capital; they think all the government subsidies that bought them the Common Wealth Games makes them the sporting city of the world. They always show up to business meetings over dressed in Selfridges clothes thinking it will impress the people they are meeting- sadly it makes them look insecure. And this is the problem with the Mancs; not only are the ***** running riot, robbing for a commonwealth gold medal, but even the non-***** are missing something.

All they ever go on about is how they are the second city. “Nah, it’s not Birmingem man, it’s Manchestah!” As if aspiring to second best is something to be proud of. They are still as deluded as when they tried to get the Olympics. And that’s saying something. The other thing that marks out their insecurity is just how much they hate everyone not from Manchester. They are so parochial it is unbelievable. Even mention Liverpool or Leeds and they start foaming at the mouth and going mental. How bitter can you get? The city has never had it so good and yet they still hate the Scousers for having a prettier city centre, and being more witty and down to earth than them. They hate Leeds because it has good shops and bars, and because they used to have a good footy team. They hate Londoners, because they stupidly think they should be the capital of the north.

Bitter and nasty, that’s what they are. They despise southeners, scousers, Yorkshire folk, Brummies, Scots.

The ***** seem to have inter bred with the ***** in Greater Manchester. The Moss Side and Hulme super race of ***** have inter mixed with the more pie eating, Lancastrian chavsters of Wigan and Oldham, and a new super duper variant of **** monsters has been produced, putting Manchester top of the league for gun crime and robbery, almost without parallel in western Europe. I have had my car broken in to three times in the last 3 years, and had my bag nicked when I was in a pub. I’ve seen people being kicked in by gangs of yobs on a night out in the centre, and ****** women ripping chunks out of another women’s hair. The number of times I’ve gone to cash machines before work on a Monday and found vomit all over the things I’ve lost count.

The more ****** the Manc becomes, the more and more ugly that accent gets. They sound like Yorkshiremen but much less charming and more coarse. “Eh mehrt, av ye go’ any wartah?” – which translates as “hey mate, have you got any water?” You can tell their genes are from the bottom of the gutter.

I can’t wait to get away from this nasty, ****** blister of a mill town. They get loaded up on Eccles cakes and Boddingtons and become even more bitter and hateful. For f*cks sake, don’t mention Liverpool in conversation (I’m an LFC supporter), they go f****n berserk. Don’t mention being from London, or in fact, liking anywhere that isn’t Manchester. It’s a very dangerous and unfriendly place, full of ugly buildings, and an uber-super race of evil **** monsters. Have you ever seen the programme “Shameless”? Well don’t stray outside the small city centre, because that’s the sort of neighbourhood you will end up in!

Stay well clear!