Maidstone, **** in its purest form

Living in Maidstone, Kent
Living in Maidstone, Kent

Maidstone, **** in its purest form

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Let me start by saying there are two forms of the word ****. The word used by middle and upper class people as an attack and derogatory misrepresentation of all working class people (which is wrong) and the second is the one used to describe a person of low intelligence, who wears stereotypical **** clothes and is heading nowhere in their pathetic, wasteful existence. I am a working class person and i will be talking about the latter which is the true representation of the word ****.

Everywhere in Britain is full of ***** and decent people but Maidstone has about 50 ***** for every decent intelligent person and these are ***** in the purest most unadulterated form. It’s like Scientists decided to create the ultimate ‘perfect’ **** but something went wrong and it escaped from the labratory and has spread all over maidstone. Maidstone ***** spend their days floating between Brenchley memorial gardens drinking cheap cider and smoking **** weed, strolling through the mall to shoplift some baby clothes or Sainsburys to steal some food if they’re hungry. When they need a rest they loiter outside mcdonalds, burger king or kfc and if they want a bit of exercise then they take a brisk walk to mote park to mug someone or maybe just kick the **** out of them (or both).

When night descends they will try and get into some clubs, usualy unsuccesfully because they’re dressed like twats but on the off chance they do get in somewhere then it’s chicago’s to grab a granny and then get chucked out for fighting or muggs to get chucked out for being to pissed and fighting. They don’t have a lot of options since liquid and envy and jumpin jaks closed down. Jaks which was a haven for **** ****. The ***** night out starts with some pre drinks of cheap vodka they stole from sainsburys or maybe a bit of ****, highly cut cocaine. They then go to a club, get pissed as quickly as possible, have an arguemnt with their other half, get more pissed, get chucked out and then start a fight with an innocent passer by. On a good night when they get arrested they have a lovely room all to themselves for the night , a meal in the morning and even get a free ride to the police station by the very generous policeman (although they always have to sit in the back). The downside is this bed and brekfast is very expensive, usually £80 but that’s fine . . .no it really does say FINE right after £80 on the little slip of paper that nice mr policeman gives you in the morning before he sends you on your way, and you can pay it in installments. BARGAIN.

The maidstone **** ensemble consists of reebok classics or knock off nike air max. tracksuit bottoms and a hoody and baseball cap usually by nike, addidas, mckenzie etc. JJB and JD Sports has a wide selection to shoplift from. The more stylish **** usually has their tracksuit bottoms tucked into their socks. They either have a joint, a drink or *** in one hand. The **** vocabulary consists of “chore” (steal) “gavvers” (police) and “shore nuff mush” (?????). Their vocabulary is ironic as this is traveller slang, which is ironic because none of them are ******* travellers. Most poeple aspire to better themselves and make money and be happy. The average maidstone **** just aspires to be a traveller, and god help you if you ever get talking to one who has got some traveller in them. They won’t shut the f*ck up about their stupid ‘traveller pride’ and for some reason think having traveller in them makes them hard, and it’s always about 10 times removed from them. If your hanging around outside a shop in maidstone wearing a tracksuit bragging about some innocent bloke you kicked the **** out of when you was pissed last night then you’re not hard, you’re a ******* idiot and it will take more than great aunt chardonnay having a one night stand with a traveller in 1912 to change that.

So to wrap this up a maidstone **** is unique like no other. They actually use words like BRAP, they think they’re hard although they’ve never done anything to warrant this they just believe this because they live in park wood or shepway (that’s right, not syria of afghanistan or some ******* hood in L.A . . . . park wood, maidstone) The female maidstone **** has one goal in life which is to have a baby so they can get their free council house and benefits and proudly update their facebook status to ‘full time mommy’. The only full time their committed to is trying full time to figure out who the ******* father is. There are some decent people in maidstone but they are rare. By sheer law of averages you will one day have a run in with one of these ferral, misguided twats and it won’t be pleasent. You’ve never encountered a **** until you’ve encountered a maidstone ****, SHORE NUFF!


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