How to fit in around Ashford or Stanwell

Living in Ashford, Middlesex

If your a girl in Ashford or Stanwell, first you must have extremely large love handles ******* over the top of your market jeans. Your extremely tight t-shirt should show every roll of fat whilst clearly showing every stretch mark. This t-shirt should proudly display the words I AM A TEAMPLAYER. Then on the back saying Anyone up for a threesome? Hair should be piled high on your head and loosely tied with a scrunchie. Make up must be applied with a trowel.Shoes must be gold flipflops preferably with fake gems all over them. As much gold as possible should be worn and you must have a fake chanel handbag to complete the look.

The absolute must have, is a fake leather pram complete with lacy blanket covered in A: pink satin dummies or B:blue boxing gloves. Your ideal road to live in is Viola because all yer cousins live there but if not, Clare Road is a close second best. Monday morning visits to the post office are obligatory and if you are really lucky Henry boy will take you in his gold BMW with the number plate GANGSTER1.

Henry boy will be wearing his string vest, flat cap and dealer boots. His look will be completed by an enormous gold knot ring finished with a cubic zirconia that he takes oath on is a diamond. Henry can’t ‘ang abaht’ cos he’s due to make his weekly appearance at Staines magistrates and needs to get home and put on his fake hugo boss suit to make a good impression.

How grim is your Postcode?

What happened to Ashford? It used to be this lovely little village where everyone knew each other, it had a few nice little shops and a good atmosphere. Nowadays it’s filled with total muppets dressed from head to foot in Burberry riding up and down on mopeds. Staines is just as bad. I reckon Sacha Cohen came through Staines and thought I can really take the mick out of these people and they won’t even realise that the laughs on them. The only people who aspire to live in Ashford are people from Feltham which says it all really.