If you want to discover what life was really like during neanderthal times then jump on a train and head to Goldthorpe, this south yorkshire s******e from the stone ages is so behind times even the Wright Brothers would be stunned. but lets take a look at this Libyan-Twinned town and discover the people and landmarks that make this place a dump.
Goldthorpe is easy to get into but hard to get out of, however if you are just visiting its always best to go in armed with a cricket bat or a machete which can be stolen from all local garden sheds in the South Yorkshire county. however if you are considering moving down here this guide will tell you all you need to know about becoming ”scum of the earth”.
As you arrive at Goldthorpe station its easy to see you are no longer in civilisation, the locals here dont like foreigners and you dont even have to come from another country or be a different shade of colour to be made aware of this, just as long as you dont speak ”BAARRNSLAY” will make Goldthorpe’s locals treat you like any other cotton picker day or night.
Walk down Barnsley Road and you will soon encounter Goldthorpe’s daily life, teenagers staggering up the streets fucked out of their eyeballs on cheap co-op beer at 2.1% its all the aggression they need to pick a fight with the wall, another sight to discover is the queue at the post office every monday, thurs and friday, those dole cheques wont cash themselves and those cans of stella wont drink themselves so its best to get in the queue as soon as you awake from your cardboard box on co-operative street or when you are released from the cells after having a eventful night fighting in the Rusty Dudley.
Goldthorpe’s average life expectancy is around 35-40 years old so teenage pregnancy rates are sky high. If you are 13 years old and still not a parent then you are not the sort of person fit to live in Goldthorpe, its important as a young parent that you teach your ratboy or ratgirl the basics of survival. Make sure they know how to burgle houses and are experienced in robbery before their 12th birthday or their first court hearing (whichever is sooner).
As a teenage parent in Goldthorpe you also need a good education before you hit the high street and start spending those giros, make sure you apply for a council house as soon as you fall pregnant because you cant live at your parents anymore as mummy and daddy will lose THEIR sickness benefit and jobseekers despite dad’s part time job working at the pigeon club as a bouncer. Make sure you are fully experienced in claiming child benefit for all 6 of your kids and dont forget to claim those milk tokens you can trade these later on for a bag of cannabis and let your kids roam the streets late at night while you sit at home smashed out of your face.
When you choose a street to live on, try to engage in conversation with some of your neighbours, people in Goldthorpe arent used to friendly chit-chat and like to end the conversation abruptly with a curt ”ah’ll burgle ya fooking house later” before sauntering on their merry way to the nearest off licence for more stella.
Co-operative street is highly recommended for any chav wanting the low life and street fights more accustomed to the Bronx than a south yorkshire town, as soon as you move in dont forget to hang that england flag outside your window as this is a sure fire way to be accepted into the town that sent two BNP members to european parliament.
Being a different colour could present problems for you should you decide to move to Goldthorpe, kids are taught at a young age that ”N*GGERS AND P*KIS TAKE OUR JOBS” and the grown ups arent much better either but they are softies at heart and love everybody really for after a long days racist saluting and a tooting what better can a Goldthorpe BNP voter do than to go to the curry house on the high street and order chicken vindaloo then finish it off falling asleep listening to gangsta rap, they may not like you but cook a curry and you’ll be best mates for life.
Goldthorpe is visited often by the local police and you may soon be recieving a visit too especially if you want your moped back. Police in Goldthorpe have a calming effect on the locals, because if any trouble starts removing the beer and drugs from the offender is a sure way to restore order.
So there you have it Goldthorpe it’s a s******e and i wouldn’t recommend living there, but rest assured you have to see it to believe it.