Chippenham (Chip’ numb) is a dump

Living in Chippenham

Chippenham is a small market town in Wiltshire, 15 miles East of Bath. I was living happily in Bath until my landlord decided to sell the house. My friends came to the rescue – or so I thought.

They had bought their 1st house 8 months previously in Chippenham (they couldn’t afford a house in Bath). They  started to struggle with their mortgage so asked me to move in with them. I thought it would be better than being homeless and I’d been to Chippenham once before to visit them and it seemed a nice place. I was wrong!

My friends privately owned house was next to a council estate, in fact the adjoining house was a housing association house. It homed a single mother and her 3 **** kids and the loudest dog in Wiltshire. During the day they would get pissed, throw litter into our back garden and row. In the evening they would also fight. Most of the other families in the area were the same and would stock up on booze in the mini market directly opposite our house! From 4pm until 9pm the mini ***** (8 to 14 yrs old) would hang out in front of the shop using the shop front as a football goal and swearing at any one who walked past. From 9pm onwards the older ***** would take over and vomit everywhere.

How grim is your Postcode?

I still worked in Bath and spent as much time as possible there; even at the weekends I would travel into Bath to go shopping and meet friends, because Chippenham is a dump, there is nothing to do there. The high street has a Wilkos, Argos, Sports Direct, several mobile phone shops and a Greggs (yummy!) It is ******** by the worst dressed mini *****, teenage *****, 20 yr old grandmother ***** (grow up) and the thuggish 40yr old male ***** covered in tattoos, cheap gold jewellery and pit bull terriers who parade up and down the high street or the road around the corner which we called  kebab alley – a lovely road that consists of takeaways and charity shops.

Apparently there’s a night club in Chippenham but I never found it, although a friend from Melksham went there and said it was great if you like young girls! As for pubs there is the Four Seasons in the market square. It would be great if it wasn’t for the people who went there! There’s also the Old Road Tavern which I went to a lot. The pub has more than its fair share of locals including the fat, single mother parents in the back room with their (I assume it’s theirs) kids suckling off their breasts whilst they enjoy a nice pint of  Tenants. In the corner on Friday lunchtimes (Friday club) sit two young lovlies with their slave. Friday and Saturday night is **** night – literally – with enough burberry and gold chains to make you laugh into your pint of Guinness!

Then there is the **** mode of transport in Chippenham – you get the usual mopeds and knobs in Novas and Clios who for some reason hang out on the bridge at the bottom of the high street. What’s worse though are the Subaru Imprezas. I used to love these cars but in Chippenham they have become the ***** favourite mode of transport. They’ve turned a decent car into a **** mobile. But because they are owned by ***** they are old Imprezas that have been reconditioned and probably only have a top speed of 80mph!

The highlight of the year in Chip’ numb is the annual folk festival. Morris dancers would dance in the high street and be heckled by the local ***** pissed on half a pint of Kronenburg. It would be a lovely little festival  – if the locals didn’t turn up. I always thought it would be nice to live in a village or a little market town, but after 12 months in Sh@ttenham give me a big city any day. I do not wish to turn into a one eye ****. I want a life!