Cardiff, or Caaaaaaardiff as it is known by residents of the less affluent of its suburbs, is a **** paradise of a weekend. Not only is it filled with its own quite substantial collection of **** ****, but it also acts as a **** magnet, sucking in hideous ***** from their south Wales valley homes like tracksuit and baseball cap clad iron filings. It really is quite a shame, because Cardiff is a pretty beautiful place. Visit it before the dole office opens or the £1 drinks promotions kick off in the city centre and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. However, if you dare to stick around until Argos opens or until a there is a sale at TKMaxx, then be prepared for the despicable torrent of low-lifes who will flood the street stinking of Jade Goody’s perfume and glittering like an ugly Christmas tree decorated with hyper value baubles.
Should be unfortunate to encounter any of these ‘people’ – and I use the term ‘people’ VERY loosely, you will probably recognise some of the universal **** characteristics that probably plague your own city. Most of the girls will be roughly 15 and called Sharon-Louise or Kayleigh-Anne or Anne-Marie, and most of their children (most of them will have at least 3) will have fake-French names Candice, Lequitia and Ashante. They aren’t able to close their eyes because their hair has been pulled so tightly into a scrunchie that their chins are touching their noses. You will probably, if you dare to walk close enough, smell the cider and Lambert and butler on their breath. Apparently, this fragrance is an aphrodisiac to the male of the species. Pink velour track-suits are the general garb of this simple, tribal people and hideously garish Elizabeth Duke golden jewellery. Sovereigns, chains, toe rings, anklets – anything will do.
The boys on the other hand tend to prefer rings. Especially rings that will leave a dent in the face of an un-suspecting ‘mosher’ who has the audacity to exist! I mean, what a cheek to walk around Chavdiff looking anything other that ****-tastic. They deserve to die! Or so is the thinking of these primitive minds. If you dare to get close enough to hear their conversation, you will generally here one of a few things. They will probably be grunting at each other in an unintelligible code they use to bond in place of any shared interest. They will be exchanging remarks about football, like children would stickers or pogs or trump cards in school. They exchange this information as they have no social skills and use their football ‘knowledge’ as the only means of forging relationships with other people. They will also be discussing their ‘*******’ and most of them will be scratching themselves simultaneously. Crabs are a bugger! And you must be nuts if you think they’ll spend a tenner on the lotion! That would buy roughly 52 Lambert, 13 litres of White Lightning, a FUBU cap, or even a sovereign if its a diligent ****.
Cardiff really can be a tragic sight when these organisms descend on the place. But the intelligent person, who has studied the behaviour of the **** David Attenborough style, can learn to avoid them in time. I just follow the rule that they are unlikely to be anywhere where anybody who has taste, class or is cultured in any way would be. For example, look at the following destinations and take a guess as to whether you’re likely to find a **** there. Then, scroll down to see if you’re right. Chavtastic locations will be highlighted in bold. You’ll soon see it’s quite easy to know where the pond life lurk.
Theatre, Argos, Waterstones, M&S, Skate park, Corner shop selling White Lightning with unscrupulous shop attendent, Coffee House, gift shop, KwikSave, Lidl, Park Bench amidst flower beds, Behing shed in park, an office, the dole office, GUM clinic, Family planning clinic, Health food shop, ‘Sports’ shop, participating in a sport
And the answers are:
Theatre, Argos, Waterstones, M&S, Skate park, Corner shop selling White Lightning with unscrupulous shop attendent, Coffee House, gift shop, KwikSave, Lidl, Park Bench amidst flower beds, Behind a shed in park, an office, the dole office, GUM clinic, Family planning clinic, Health food shop, ‘Sports’ shop, participating in a sport
As you can see, it is easy to predict where these ‘people’ are likely to be. So don’t let this article put you off coming to Cardiff. Come and enjoy the place. But always plan your trip and think ahead to avoid any un-necessary and UN-WELCOME(!) encounters with *****.