Don’t be fooled by the beautiful surroundings, the pure clear spring water, or the roman baths, this town is home to the highest concentration of inbreds, slags, smackheads, kids with kids, air max wearers, and wannabe gangsters in the whole of the country. If you include the diseased cesspool of Fairfield, buxton’s cancerous growth, then we really are talking about a s******e of monolithic proportions.

The population is distributed as follows:

• Dealers: 19%
• users:12%
• young ‘hard’ men:9%
• nike shox owners: 52%
• girl’s that most of my mates have shagged: 8%

The problem with this town is the residents tendency to stay within the boundary, which splits this confused and strange land from the rest of the outside world. The language and fashions of the english has been forgotten and the Buxtonian way has evolved. Since the grand opening of KFC several years ago, the 13 year old truant mums can give their little Tyrese or Chantelle all the nourishment they will need in the form of allegedly genetically modified deep fried hen parts.

God bless this sacred place!