As you drive into Bakewell on a public holiday or weekend, you cross the beautiful Victorian bridge and enter the town centre, by which point you will be losing daylight and will have to turn around and go back through the traffic Tokyo of England, where children are taught from a young age to ignore motorists.

Students

Mental 20 year old students from the ‘University of Darby’ (as is known by the local academics), hop over the main junction like a hedgehog negotiating a dual carriageway, drunk on cheap wine and weighed down by Pot Noodles.

Artful Dodgers

If you dare to venture into any sweet shop or confectionary counter, you will spot a five year old nicking some Refreshers or alternatively, if you decide on which bakery has the ‘authentic’ Bakewell pudding, more senior Artful Dodgers will be selling the contents of the shop at the other end of the road to Chinese tourists for £10 a tart.

Second Rate Tourist Trap

To be fair to the town, it does have some degree of charm and is situated in beautiful countryside. But in reality Bakewell is a second rate tourist trap that doesn’t really have much to offer. I would recommend one of the villages outside it if you would like to experience the Peak District’s natural beauty. And the pudding? You’d be better suited to Tesco own brand than any of Bakewell’s contenders for most authentic Bakewell tart. ‘Trust me, boss, it’s worth it. Do ‘o ‘ave anyfink like this back ‘ome?’