Battle nr Hastings: Gods Waiting room

Having visited the time warp that is Battle, I have to sadly report that the main High Street seems to be devoid of any *****. A few sad skaters hang out by the skatepark near the fire station, but as for the rest of the town, it mainly comprises of Froggy Schoolkids on Day trips to the Abbey and English schoolkids out for a jolly.

Any visitor to Battle will be struck by the complete absence of Teenage **** mums, ANY Burberry clothing (except on the outrageously loaded and completely cosseted), Bull Terriers, Nike, Adidas, Kappa or indeed any Bling. Also it is interesting to note that Tea Shops outnumber pubs by 50 to 1…this says it all about the population, the majority of whom are just waiting to go to the big tea room in the sky.

These old farts congregate in the tea shops and butterys and pass their time by eating buns and sipping their stone-cold tea, then it’s out on to the local shops which sell all the usual naff tourist **** from tea towels to bog roll holders. There are no yobs, ****** “lovely travelling folk” or any anti social elements in Battle, just a load of ******* boring pensioners who walk around aimlessly stinking of piss and talcum Powder.

The Senlac pub and the Abbey Hotel, is where the local yokels seem to be wearing stuff that is 10 years out of date. These locals are mainly the cannon fodder who work on the land in the immediate area and can be spotted by their beetroot complexions and knuckles that drag along the ground… and this applies to the women as well.

I can totally say that this little piece of edwardian England should be avoided by ***** at all costs.
Your average **** could not survive here as there are no McDonalds or Burger King, no cheapo jewellers selling cheap **** gold chains, earrings etc, no shopping mall, no cinema complex and no nightclubs of the likes of Brannigans or ikon Deva, no T.J.Hughes selling cheap **** essentials like nike or addidas…So a word of warning for any ***** thinking about relocating to Battle…FORGET IT.

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