Oh Longtown… You suck!

Living in Longtown, Cumbria

Longtown has a long history, especially with it being on the border of England and Scotland. Although ask many of the locals who were educated from the 80s onwards and they couldn’t tell you any of it. A lot of the shops are owned by natives of the town, which is good as they know better than most who the twats are so they don’t get robbed.

The school was once a modern, multi story secondary high school, but is now the site of more box houses beside the soulless housing schemes of Lochinvar Close and the other one. Here you’ll find the usual mix of single mothers living next door to their mum, she lives next to her mum (you get the picture) and a lot of the town are genuinely related to each other… No joke! It seems like there is two main surnames in Longtown, and this explains why most locals have a ‘look about them. If you ask what their IQ is, be ready to run. They don’t like numbers they can’t count on their 13 fingers or 3 toes.

To be fair, to drive through it looks a nice place. It’s only when you stop and look closely that you’ll see they stay true to a history from hundreds of years ago. And this includes standards of education and bathing. Running water here means the river Esk! The dentist that used to be there retired with exhaustion.

How grim is your Postcode?

I was going to type something about the posher side of town, but it seems there isn’t one! Unless you call living in the Bridge Street flats posh because you have a full 3 stories! You can even see the old furniture store from there or give warning to your dealer on the floor below when you see the police coming along the A7.

I was surprised at the lack of Off Licences however. It makes it more likely you’ll bump into Uncle Daddy or one of your seventy aunties at the spar or newsagent.

It would be unfair to say some of the locals practice incest. They are so good at it they don’t need the practice!