Leigh, can you say “hor reet” without laughing?

They are known as Scroats in Lancashire, and god is Leigh overrun with them!  One can strip paint with the accents of the local Leigh *****. Anyone not able to say “hor reet ****” without laughing is branded a cockney, and beaten up. These beating are not too bad as the ***** are normally too pissed or stoned to do any real damage.
During the day the ***** feed at McDonalds, but at night many a young **** can be founded consuming a donner (balls and brains) kebab at the alleged asylum seeker run Casba Takeaway.  It is now illegal to give cattle mechanically recovered meat, but not *****: a good dose of BSE would improve their IQ. They queue for ages to eat an industrial sized portion of this mechanically recovered former animal food.

This is all with the aim of soaking up the evenings ale. Leigh ***** can boast seemingly inhuman drinking ability, many can knock back as many as 20 pints of Stella, what the ***** have not yet realised is that for £1 a pint all you get is watered down 2% ASDA Farm Stores lager (coming out of the Stella tap). In alcohol terms these 20 pints would probably equate to about 3 glasses of champagne.

After your watery p*ss lager and kebab its time to go home. The way to do this is to go to the Avacab Taxi office (Avacrash would be more appropriate… allegedly), when the car arrives it’ll be a W Reg Ford Focus and only capable of 32 miles an hour. Normal people often give the Taxi man Wolly a quid to get in the next taxi, £1 is a great deal of money for ***** (after all it’ll buy a pint) so they would rather sit in the cold for 2 hours than pay it. Where there’s no sense there’s no feeling!

In terms of shopping, Leigh offers everything a self disrespecting **** could hope for: Cash Converter to allegedly sell stolen goods, Wilko to buy cheap junk and Sports Direct for that ‘off the cat walk look’. The best of them all is B&M Bargains. Basically this place is full of discounted tinned beans as well as the odd ‘20% cheaper than Argos’ deals on **** furniture.  The ***** stroll round B&M’s in string vests, their odour is beyond BO, and is bordering on biohazard. I don’t know about Iraq’s WMD, but a few Leigh ***** could be used as a biological weapon at 45 minutes notice. So don’t be surprised if George Bush sends a Cruise Missiles over the place.

On the subject of the US Military, I was surprised when I heard that an American Marine had chatted up a 13 year old Leigh girl on the internet then taken her to Paris. If he’d wanted a young one, half a lager and lime at Edison’s would have done the trick. For a Cinnamon ‘Aftershock’ a 14 year old Ch@vette is willing to do anything to male Ch@v behind the inappropriately named Toffs Nightspot (allegedly).

Once pupils at Lowton High School (the local atheist comp) were allegedly called to assembly to be told that if students continued to sh*t in the bins there would be serious trouble. What more can I say! If you want a job here and you have a disability then don’t live here because the people will ostracise you and make you feel like life isn’t worth living.

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