Kirkby – the ******* cousin of Liverpool

Living in or moving to Kirkby, Merseyside

Years and years and years ago – in the 1960s, the local council realised that Liverpool was getting overcrowded with people and subsequently picked a random few acres of bog land and fields to build a new town on….ladies and gentlemen…welcome to Kirkby!

Four or five miles North East of Liverpool, just off the infamous East Lancs Road.

Crime ridden **** hole areas such as Westvale, Northwood, Tower Hill and Southdene…and the “posh part” Melling.

How grim is your Postcode?

Think of hundreds and hundreds of rough-**** housing estates surrounding a rough **** town centre and your getting close. Kirkby has it all, Knowsley College where platoons of 11year old scallies roam around thinking their hard because they wear rigger boots and have ****** overalls, millions of orange-faced, PJ wearing single mums with **** ******* from their lips whilst little Chantelle and Tyler clutch a cold pasty from Greggs!

In the shopping centre, bone-idle scallies sit on the benches sporting Lacoste tracksuits and the obligatory black Reebok “whats happinin kidda” “is right lad” “innit lad” Doberman and Staffs are an optional extra.
The town centre is blessed with several drinking establishments – notably Wetherspoons where the same `faces` have been drinking everyday from 10am since 1999 when it opened. Same seats every day, no variation – a quick trip the bookies, back for a pint of mild, back the bookies “Pint of John Smiths girl”
Fat-necked gobshites in white t-shirts and black cardigans play the fruit machines intently – only stopping to barge outside to answer there £400 mobile phones, “lad, yeah lad, is right lad, bang on lad, in a bit lad”

4pm is college letting out time – mayhem at the bus station where people trample each other to board buses “der’s a fookin queue here girl” – “ay lad canna ger on with a pram on da bus” “do you go down park brow lad”

Oddly, they say people from Kirkby love the place – famous residents like Margie Clark, Phil Thompson and the like swear by it…..

Funny really, the rest of us hate it.