Why Droylsden is Sh*t: Part 1

Living in Droylsden, Greater Manchester

Beyonce once sang “WHO RUNS THE WORLD?”. Ladies shouted back……”GIRLS!”. Middle aged people in Droylsden screamed “Kids! ******* f*cking little teenage kids”

Droylsden has a dark little secret that nobody outside of Droylsden knows. That secret is anyone over the age of 25 is petrified of kids. Schoolkids, gangs of kids, kids in hoods, kids wearing gloves, kids on bikes, kids in shops, kids outside of shops; if you walked a baby goat down a street in Droylsden they’d probably be scared of that too.

The problem with Droylsden is that on the face of it, all seems well. It’s not as destitute as its East Manchester neighbours Newton Heath and Clayton, whose kids are brought up believing that Santa Claus is more real than their own dads, and it’s not as aggressive as its neighbours to the west, Ashton, whose kids are taught how to head butt an ASDA security guard when holding with a handful of whoopsie sandwiches, before they learn how to read.

How grim is your Postcode?

But they are petrified of anyone under the age of 17.

And it’s all because of Facebook.

Droylsden can’t elect a mayor, but it did elect a Facebook admin on their Residents Crimewatch group, and this person has more power than Teresa May could ever hope for. In the daytime they oversee a variety of posts from people looking for window cleaners to others who praise the services of a removal man whose slogan is invariably ‘no job to big or to small’. But at night it becomes an anxiety sufferers worst nightmare.

Kids throwing fireworks on Market St.
Kids throwing eggs on Ashton New Road.
Kids throwing bread at cars near the tram stops.
Bread. F*cking slices of wholemeal bread.
“I couldn’t see a thing, my wipers weren’t strong enough, someone could have been ******”. It was a loaf of f*cking bread Gary and you were stationary at a red light, stop exaggerating for likes, please.

Before you know it Gary’s post has 467 comments on it and he’s had to switch his phone off before his I-phone 5S blows up, he’s not been this popular since he went Facebook live filming a bloke with his willy out at the 168 bus stop outside the local primary school.

Stories are coming out left, right and centre, ban them from walking round in groups, put an 8pm curfew on them, stop them wearing their hoods up, who cares if its pissing down, we want to see their faces! A middle aged bloke joins the conversation halfway through and thinks everyone’s talking about burka’s and gets aroused but his Tommy Robinson quotes get short shrift, it’s the kids that are the enemies round here.

The Droylsden diehards will defend their children to the hilt. ‘They’re coming from over the border though, my son told me’ and where was your son when someone’s nana was getting coshed outside Poundworld for her two bags of shopping? “He was at home washing his knuckle dusters, it couldn’t have been him”. A 14 year old could walk out of his front door on Manor Road and **** someone to death with a cricket bat and his parents would blame ‘a funny smell coming from the council estate in Clayton’.

Remember the film Bugsy Malone, where kids dressed up as adults and ran bars and clubs and shops? There is something dark going on in Droylsden and in the weeks to come, you’re going to walk into Alan Po Fong’s chippy and there’ll be a 9 year old in a dirty white lab coat shouting ‘Best in the Northwest’ and you won’t even bat an eyelid.

You’ve been warned residents of Droylsden, the kids are coming, you better lock your doors, install CCTV and don’t go out at night. Even the Pied Piper can’t save you now.