“I say Maragret, do you fancy a visit to Ross on Wye this afternoon, I hear they have a lovely market on a Saturday.”
Hold your horses Mr & Mrs Jones, there’s something you should know about Ross on Wye before you visit, yes . . . it is the halitosis capital of Europe.
The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, Ross on Wye is a town of old folk. The main shopping street is awash in a sea of grey hair most days, and the collective stench can only be described as eye-watering.
I don’t know if old people forget to brush their teeth simply because their brains are slowly deteriorating, or if they neglect their oral hygiene on purpose because they enjoy making the rest of us feel queasy. It doesn’t help that some of them don’t recognise the concept of personal space and will often come literally face to face with you when they talk. Yuk.
The second reason for Ross on Wye’s bad breath epidemic is the drug addicts and alcoholics, who form a sizable portion of the town’s demographic make up. Most people in Ross below the age of 30 will be wearing a baseball cap and missing several teeth, and their diet of special brew, roll ups and heroin has given them a toxic brand or s**t breath that could curdle milk and is almost equal to that of the old folks.
I will never forget an incident that happened to me a couple of years ago. I was waiting in line at the post office (a place which seems to attract the worst of the halitosis brigade) waiting to post a parcel. All was going well until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I spun round to see what I can only describe as a walking corpse.
“What a way to spend a Friday afternoon, waiting in line at the post office.” he croaked.
Whilst i’m sure his intentions were innocent enough, you know a bit of light chit chat whilst waiting in line, his breath was truly disturbing and it is a moment that has traumatised me for life.
So overwhelmed was I by this old codgers breath that I didn’t know whether to cry, laugh or call the police.
Ross on Wye has always been a bit of a contradiction. It is situated in a very scenic spot on the river Wye, and is in fact one of the first places in the UK that attracted large numbers of tourists.
But over time it has degraded into a swamp of chavs, pensioners and inbreds, who between them are responsible for the towns decline.
I believe the oral hygiene of this town (or lack thereof) is worthy of further recognition. Perhaps a competition between all of the ageing market towns across Europe as to who indeed has the worst halitosis problem? I believe Ross on Wye would trounce the competition with ease. Maybe Ross On Wye will become a UNESCO world heritage site, which will forever preserve its unique aroma.
Most towns and cities suffer with pollution caused by petrol fumes, factories etc. Not Ross on Wye. The green cloud hanging over this town is 100% organic.