Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire Property Guide
Written by Anonymous Visitor and posted in Cambridgeshire

On the face of it, Huntingdon seemed like the ideal place for the wife and I to settle down. We listed our requirements as a train station for the daily commute to London, a Waitrose, a good restaurant and a little local history with a smattering of architectural merit. We thought Huntingdon had it all and decided to make the move.

As decisions go, I’d have been better advised to change my name to ‘Mustapha Gander’ before launching a career as a peeping tom in Saudi Arabia – which would probably have been safer. The train station out of Huntingdon is the best thing about the entire town. Hot, salty tears of sweet joy stain my face each morning when leaving, only to be replaced by cold, stinking, fear upon return. As monstrous carbuncles go, Huntingdon is to beauty what Jimmy Saville was to the sweet dreams of infants. It invades your every sensibility with a dehumanising loss of nobility.

As for the local Waitrose, it’s the only Waitrose (ever, anywhere) in which I’ve actually seen a grown man soil himself so hard, that it stained through his underpants and jeans, yet continued to complete his weekly shop as if this was an acceptable situation. As for the one good local restaurant, occasionally a Chav either plucks up the courage to frequent said establishment in an attempt to pipe his muck into the ‘Belle Du Jour’ of his amorous, clammy, benefit generator or has simply imbibed such a heady cocktail of alcohol and drugs that he has simply mistaken the place for Narnia. More often than not though, it’s frequented by new money Chavs that have recently converted more gold into cash than a Liverpudlian footballer who’s just won the Golden Boot.

Having spawned two notable individuals in its one thousand year history, it’s as if all the achievement of the entire gene pool for a thousand years was concentrated into Oliver Cromwell and John Major. The remaining population of Huntingdon is so aggressive and dense that I need only provide four facts for it to cement its place in history as Chav Capital:

  1. It was on the cover of Crap Town’s as *THE* cover shot.
  2. Whilst walking to the post office I’ve overheard one youth exclaim that’s he’s so hard he could punch a Cyclops between the eyes.
  3. I’ve actually witnessed a grown man attempt to slam a revolving door in the local courthouse.
  4. The local market sells track suits as ‘Snack Suits’ – let’s face it, the only tracks they’re going to experience proximity with are on Sharon’s burgeoning minge.

The only recent architecture of note is the courthouse in which so many Chavs are given ASBOs that they’ve had to build a colossal 100ft high monument to society’s failure (with our hard won taxes) only topped by a council office building so large that they could just have easily built a giant middle finger salute with a twenty foot golden fingernail engraved with ‘F**K OFF, I’M SHOPPING FOR MY CAR INSURANCE ON YOUR TIME – BUT YOUR PARKING PERMIT HAS GONE UP 3,000%’. And there you have it, had the council possessed more foresight than a one eyed mole in an eye poking contest, then they would have ensured that Oxmoor wasn’t built shortly before the train station lost its fast train to London service.

Therefore Huntingdon has only one hope, that the gene pool becomes so defective it vomits out a creature so freakishly mutant that it actually evolves humanity along the lines of X-men. Perhaps more likely a Siamese twin that wins the 100m sprint in the Paralympics (back to back gold’s of course). And, I think I know where the medal would end up. Cash Convertors on Huntingdon High (aptly named) Street would be my bet. In fact it’s the only shop doing any trade, perhaps its tagline should be “Cash Converters – Because You Can’t Eat Electricals”.

Top 10 worst places to live in England 2018
  • Rebecca Poppys Mystique Brown

    Round of applause for blaming
    Your unhappiness onto others!
    What did you do to make “Your World” a better place. Hummm it’s easy to critise, it takes work, effort, and a creative mind to make a change,

    THE WORLD IS JUST A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU ARE!! Remember that next time you find so much fault, sending you some compassion

  • Becky Rose

    I have had several homes in and around Huntingdon and I never felt unsafe when I lived there. Except one time, at 3 in the morning when a full scale police raid tried to enter my house with a battering ram because they got the road wrong. Oh and there was the drive by shooting too, but that happened so fast I didn’t have time to get scared.

  • James Barlow

    What a load of rubbish! To generalise a population in this way, makes you look worse than the people whom are writing about.

    I know many of the residents, having been one my self. Top engineers, ex serviceman, city bankers, farmers and the folk who grind it out day in day out. All are intelligent in their own way, if they have found it. I know drug addicts who could pull your car apart and fix it without a manual, drunks who could give Van Gough a run for his money. if you take time to actually get to know your neighbours, you might find that they are not pond scum after all! Yes there are is small of percentage of population that would better suited to Devil Island, but you would find them in every town/village/city.
    Right, you say
    “Having spawned two notable individuals in its one thousand year history” How about you take a peek at wikipedia, i draw your eyes to Samuel Pepys, not born but educated in Huntingdon. Plus many others, including the current England women’s cricket captain.

    Did you ever visit the rugby club? Doubt it, as you would of probably tore into that as well, just because of who you think you are. if you’re going to write such things, don’t hide. you moved to Huntingdon, because it’s cheaper than living closer to London, which is pretty much why most of the folks who commute alongside you are here, if you don’t like it, GO, move to London and be poor instead!
    By the way, I bet you can’t find the buildings in that crap towns photo!

  • Darren Edwards

    Welcome to the real world mr anonymous, Huntington not up to your standards? Well piss off back to your expensive London

  • Amanda

    Whoever wrote this obviously does’t leave London much. There are far worse places to live in the UK.

  • Michelle

    I am so happy to report, that I have lived in Huntingdon for 42 years and have managed to do my weekly shop in all the local supermarkets (including Waitrose) without shitting my pants. Lucky? Good bowel control? Who knows! I have to admit, I do like a tipple of the heady cocktails of drink you talk of but have never had a needle in my arm (unless I was giving some of my chav blood to those in need) but never have I encountered Aslan at the local ‘good restaurant’. I hope I never take some of my hard earned new money to this restaurant while you are there, as I would be in danger of vomiting into my dinner if I had to listen to your vile snobbery. (And this will never do if i’m hoping to be the Belle Du Jour!). I don’t consider myself to be either aggressive or dense as you state us Huntingdonians are, although I would find it hard not to poke you on your turned up nose if I knew your identity. Anyway, I think I must’ve encountered the same youth as yourself as he boarded his train home to St Neots, because he was still talking about punching a Cyclops. Lastly, I hope that when the grown man tried to slam the revolving door in the Court House, he didn’t injure you in any way as you raced through to try and get to your court summons in time. Although, I hear they are very lenient towards people with learning and social interaction difficulties so you should be ok.

  • Dave Bautista

    You have just described nearly every large town in the UK, congratulations on passing comment on the current state of our society but please don’t try to isolate it to one particular town. Please check any large town along the A1 such as Stevenage, Hitchin etc to confirm this

  • Mandy

    Are you for real you are a visitor to Huntingdon ffs you wanna get reality check most towns are f**ked up but by far the shittist and f**ked up place in the uk is jay wick u spend a month down their and then return to Huntingdon I will guarantee you that your view will change. I’m born and bred in this town and I have moved about a lot and every place changes. You town is most probably just as f**ked up but you choose to turn a blind eye and move some where else!!! Grow up

  • detour

    Well I was going to write a lengthy reply to this complete load of bull but its not worth my time. I grew up in Huntingdon and have been a senior technician for a large local race team and now own a successful business of my own. If you knew anything about Huntingdon you would know its the people that have move to the town the have made it what it is today and you sir are my point exactly.

  • Ben

    Haha this sums up huntingdon so we’ll. My parents were going to move there thirty years ago and asked a police officer directions to the Oxmoor. He took one look at them and said “you don’t want to live in the Oxmoor, perhaps try St.Ives.” It’s no better today, same s**t hole full of toothless chavs who haven’t heard of soap.

  • Ange

    This is ACE and spot on. I lived in St Ives and Huntingdon was not safe after 6pm in Winter in the dark because of the drunks and druggies. A desperately depressing place with more than it’s fair share of delinquents.

    • Michelle

      I have lived in Huntingdon all my life and have been out in the dark after 6 many times. I am still alive to tell the (not very interesting) tales of these nights out. We are not all drunks or druggies my dear. We have our share of them like all towns unfortunately because all walks of life live in all places!

  • Bryony Black

    Mmm although funny in parts, this is probably one of the most judgemental posts I have ever seen and, I feel, an even worse reflection of what is wrong with society than the man that shat himself. If you are happy to judge people purely on what supermarket they shop in and whether they are from ‘old’ or ‘new’ money then Huntington could do without such cretins. And please forgive me for my ignorance, as I have little experience of such antiquated points of view, but if you are from old money doesn’t that normally mean that you are privileged enough to be born into wealth? Whereas the majority of the people with new money have built their lives up with sweat, tears and determination. I know who I have more respect for. I don’t live in Huntington personally, I just read your post and found the snobbery that emanated from your every written word made me want to vomit.

  • Thomas

    Even though Huntingdon is rather disgusting and I wouldn’t recommend it, this person is a massive idiot. A quick look at Huntingdon is enough for most to make the judgement not to move there. It looks to me as if he moved there simply so he could write this snobbish article, which by the way is littered with grammatical errors.
    This person is clearly an arsehole, and probably belongs in Huntingdon.

  • Local huntingdon folk

    I live here and this is very accurate.

  • Tony Brown

    Like so many people you write, ” the wife and I to settle down.” This is wrong. In this case it should be “the wife and ME,” or, more correctly, MY wife and ME. It’s simple; try it in isolation; you wouldn’t write, “for I to settle down” because it wouldn’t look right. As for the problem of chavs, sadly they’re everywhere and won’t go away as long as the awful TV programmes that influence them continue to be made. Obviously there are other causes, but there’s not sufficient space here.

  • Rebecky

    Never even been – but can still appreciate this post. Brilliant!

  • Hzle

    Fine piece of satirical writing. I almost want to go back there to see if it’s really that bad.

    It didn’t make much of an impression on me when I passed through. But I remember being on a bus from Huntingdon to St Ives, this bloke was on the phone to his mate “so she gave you crabs..hahahaha”. He then hung up and immediately phoned someone else “Remember that bird Dave met on Saturday night..she gave him crabs, hahaha”

    I’m sure he’s not representative though.