Downham Market: from ex-cons in the flats by the train tracks to the Retreat Estate

Living in Downham Market, Norfolk

From the ex-cons living in the flats overlooking the train tracks, to the drug dens up the Retreat Estate, here in Downham (referred to by it’s Cockney and Essex population as Daaahhnum) we have many invaluable amenities.

Come to the high street for a piss-poor selection of shopping destinations, from Peacocks to Savers – you get the picture. Take advantage of Downham’s nightlife and grab a drink; that fermented cider on the steps of Sue Ryder should do the trick.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself, people won’t think you’re a ‘yob’ should you need to engage your hooded garment during a bout of precipitation. Although be wary that young passers by may remove your hood from your epidermis however, exclaiming “stop trying to look like a bad-man bruv” – leaving you soaked and confused.

How grim is your Postcode?

Visit Cannon Square to see the newly developed World War re-enactment site, trenches and all – or crank your head to the right and see the ugly grey brutalism wall which holds the church into place and prevents visibility of any pharmaceutical sales which may be transpiring.

On a Tuesday, a particularly special event takes place. The weekly, ah hem, ‘Daaahhnum Yout’ Club innit’ where a handful of youths gather to mouth off at each other, share ‘faaaaaaaaaaaaaags’ and then limp home with their oh-so-swagful style or cut up old people on their BMXs ‘cos it’s fun mate’.

Anyway, tourism, we recommend you go for a drive through the Clackclose Estate if you want to be halted every 30 seconds by old biddies, or in contrast pop into the newly built Bennett Street area if you’d like your car windows washed by gobbing youths originating from even more charming areas such as East London and Corby. This is as a result of Downham’s great council (social as it’s now called) housing array, suited to even the most deprived of families.

Speaking of the Bennett Street area, which recently witnessed a sword fight (no really, someone was stabbed with a Samurai sword in broad daylight), Railway Road has many rows of shops – or it did, they’re now mostly boarded up (yes I mean you, Stock Shop).

Actually I guess Downham doesn’t have that much to offer. Damn there was me thinking it was well cultured.