On my first visit to chard I was immediately struck by the sheer class of the place, it is a beautiful town with clean streets, and it gave the impression that it was the kind of place that only people of a social hierarchy could possibly afford to dwell in. The houses themselves reminded me of those in the posh end of Cambridge, if they had been hit by several large bombs. Almost all of the houses were grotty ex council houses that the council had only sold on because they were ashamed to own such disgusting, dilapidated hovels.
The people who live in the houses are little more than dirty tramps, who have no ambition in life but to survive, half of them are completely shallow and have no ability to see past material things, and the other half are constantly puzzling over life’s big questions and coming up with their own theories about their existence, this is of course because they are drug addicts and constantly completely stoned. Of course the ones that aren’t stoned can’t afford to be as their minimum wage at the local factory isn’t plentiful enough, and the ones who are; are able to do so through that essential lifesaving necessity of benefits. I mean if they didn’t have benefits what would they do? I mean they might even have to get off of their more that slightly obese arses and get a job or something?
There is a lot of youths in chard this is due to the fact that most of the residents do not understand the concept of contraception and that stealing the plastic bags from the local Tesco’s and using them instead of condoms doesn’t work in quite the same way. Their lack of common sense is largely due to their education or rather lack of it, as most school pupils don’t make it to year 10; this is due to them getting convicted of yet another crime and going to prison, where they might actually be able to meet their biological father (not that they have any idea who that is.) Or getting ‘preggers’ at the age of 12 and leaving school to bring up the baby to be even more of a **** than themselves.
The only pupils that are left (this I must stress if very few) are the complete boffins that live in tatworth and other classier villages outside of chard and they manage to achieve very good gcse’s and make the school look really good, this is how Holyrood managed to get rated ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted. All in all I was very surprised to get out of chard without getting stabbed and I can honestly say that I hope I never have to visit, this revolting dump ever again in my life. Oh wait, I live here. And.. I LOVE IT.
Chard: The town where the garbage men make deliveries
Minehead, Grockels come to here to paddle their hairy toes in the sea
Nailsea: Where the old come to die
Bath, Somerset – needs a good clean!
Wiveliscombe: sh*te rolled down hill and collected in one glorious cesspit
Bristol: A battle between hipster and yokel
Glastonbury: it’s hard to find anyone who isn’t blowing shamanic smoke up their own ****
Yeovil, neatly situated in the **** end of nowhere
Wells – Posh veneer, **** underbelly