Bilston: it’s such a dump even if you live on your local park bench

Living in Bilston, West Midlands
Living in Bilston, West Midlands

Bilston: it’s such a dump even if you live on your local park bench

SatireWest MidlandsWest MidlandsPic Via

I love Bilston, it’s one of them places you go to and suddenly feel so much better than yourself……owing to the fact it’s such a dump even if you live on your local park bench you’ll see there’s worse places to be.

Firstly theres the town centre, though i prefer to think of it as a few shops selling counterfeit goods and surprisingly gorgeous chips, unfortunately thats the only thing you’ll find gorgeous around here as the locals leave a lot to be desired. The daytime consists of many a local pondering whether to spend their dole money on cheap tat on the market, or just get one of their 7 kids to steal it for them later on.

The local school kids also prowl the place in their knock-off nike tracksuits intimidating the locals by swearing and playing awful music loud on their phones and mugging old ladies in broad daylight. If you do get mugged don’t expect anyone to do anything about it, everyones seen it before many a time. If you want to come here and meet a partner, and you actually have standards then forget it, the men are typically drunk by midday, smell of a combination of stale beer and body odour through having a shower once a blue moon, and the ladies are disgraceful, typically overweight, pushing around a pram by the time they’re 15 and wearing plenty of fake designer clobber and big hoop earrings (all stolen of course). Ohh and if you do end up getting frisky with one of these inhabitants, do keep a condom at hand there’s more sti’s floating around than there are people in the local population.

Local sports include running from the police (or the rozzers as they’re known locally), hurling rocks at people having a swim in the local pool, fishing for fish to sell to the local chip shop, shooting squirrels for your supper, horse riding one of the many feral horses on wasteland, moto-x on a mini motorbike over the “fozza” as it’s locally know (a forest to you and me), hurdles which involves jumping over a row of fences having just being caught in someones shed, fencing without any protective gear and samurai swords.

Nightlife in Bilston is surprisingly good, if your old pay a visit to the Hop Pole and enjoy the sound of your peers making fools of themselves on the karaoke and then getting mugged when they pop outside to have a smoke or make a call. The market tavern which is full of football toting drunkards on a Saturday afternoon is officially the worst nightspot where the sole bartender has been caught asleep over the bar on many occasions. The Sir Henry Newbolt is great for cheap beer, also has security for that peace of mind that you won’t get punched for looking at someone funny until you walk down the road that is. The nearby Greyhound is what could be describe as a cesspit, were all the local council estate’s most hideous residents descend upon to strut their stuff and try to up their shag count. The trumpet is the residence of the die hard alcoholics it’s oldest regulars are usually dead by 45. Other hotspots are the Robin 2 which plays host to all sorts of x-factor rejects and tribute bands, and the olde white rose which is where people flock to before a band plays at the Robin 2 to get tanked up on high alcohol percentage local brew. Former hotspots were Gavins sports bar, once this **** hole’s favorite spot until it’s owner got shot outside the front door. Another hotspot was The tropical harmony club which was host to a few fatal shootings and stabbings and eventually got closed down.

Theres a few prolific estates in Bilston worth a mention. One of the most well known in “The Lunt”, which was given this name to remind its residents what a dump it is. Here daily life for a bloke involves waking up at 10’am in time for Jeremy Kyle, collecting your benefits in the local post office when you can be bothered, beating up your wife and going down the pub to brag about it. Women spend most their time eating cakes, nattering outside the newsagents about how bad their 7 kids are and then eating more cakes. Kids spend their abysmal lives fighting each other, robbing bikes from outside the local shops and then smoking dodgy cigarettes.

If you think this place is bad however, take a trip to the neighbouring estate St Chads, and don’t let its humble name fool you this is worse.

If you ever feel the urge to visit this place please purchase a reliable car to get out of dodge quick as the police response times typically go into days.


Top 10 worst places to live in England 2020