Sutton Coldfield – Where good taste goes to die

Living in Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands

There’s no other way to describe Sutton Coldfield other than a dump. It’s a mixture of ne’er-do-wells and nouveau riche idiots who think class is having stone lions and fake pillars at the front of their house. There are more white range rovers, hair extensions and fake tan than at a Irish traveller wedding. Another classic Sutton Coldfield interior design trend is to have grey – grey sofa, grey walls, grey carpet, grey accessories plus a few ‘love’ signs and if you’re really trying to impress, a few full on quotes about dancing in the rain etc.

Fitting in with your neighbours

These are the important things to know if you want to fit in as a woman in Sutton Coldfield. You need to be on benefits with plenty of kids having never worked, or have a husband who makes decent money so you can decorate your house completely in grey and post endless filtered-to-**** photos on Instagram with your hair extensions ‘out with the girls’.

The average Sutton Coldfield man should spend all his money on fake flashy watches and cars he can’t afford, just to top your awful neighbours. He should get a TOWIE looking haircut and be a ‘jack the lad’ or ‘absolute kn0bber’ as otherwise known. If you really want to impress, don’t forget the terrible neck tattoos that have no meaning whatsoever behind them.

How grim is your Postcode?

Male or female, remember to be small minded, a bit racist and don’t accept anyone even slightly different.

The Town Centre

The town centre was once not too bad. Now it is a sad state of affairs with terrible bars and closed shops. Stabbings are plentiful and security guards needed at McDonald’s. It’s dismal. Yet still very expensive compared to surrounding areas, which baffles me.

The once half decent schools are now too a complete shambles. Sutton Park is a redeemable feature, but not good enough to outweigh living in the hole this place has become.

I moved as far as possible as soon as I was old enough (18 ish years) but still go back to visit family and friends. Most are now moving themselves as they can’t take it any longer. All those I went to school with but no longer speak to are still friends with exactly the same people, still go to the same places and are mostly still nosy small minded bigots.

If anyone is thinking of moving here, I’m telling you now – f$^&%#g don’t!!! You’ve been warned.